Disclaimer: Since this began as a joke, forgive that it sucks. Forgive also the major continuity issues that come because of it. It gets better, we promise. Just skip ahead a couple chapters.
Disclaimer: Since this began as a joke, forgive that it sucks. Forgive also the major continuity issues that come because of it. It gets better, we promise. Just skip ahead a couple chapters.
Monday, December 1, 2008
2006
"Ok Kiddies!, Thanks for being so reverent!.. I know EFY's great isn't it! "Remember who you are!" Kenneth said one last goodbye for the day to his EFY students and strolled down the path on the verge of the BYU campus. Class had gotten over a little late but it was a path that Jeppy had followed night after night after class got out and he often wandered them at night just thinking about life and the ongoing pursuit of his eternal companion. He stopped to pick up a paper that someone had carelessly left on the side of the Path. He glanced over the headline as he placed it in the trash bin. "Heck Hound Attacks Another Student" Student Emmet Thompson narrowly escaped the clutches of the heck hound late thursday night at the cost of his best friend and bride to be Angus Chatworth. "She was such a swe... Kenneth quickly lost interest in the sub par article and continued down the trail.
There was someone walking ahead of him on the trail, just far enough that he couldn't quite make out who he was, though he could tell that he was a councilor by the blue polo he was wearing and he was almost sure that it was that loser that he had seen the day before riding his unicycle. Deciding he didn't want to waist to much time on the dork ahead of him he pulled the wad of papers out of his back pocket that he had been preparing the lesson for the next day on. He was thankful for BYU for putting so many light up around campus, it was almost as easy to read in the middle of the night as it would have been in the middle of the day. The School had installed the lighting system to make it easier for the watcher to catch some of the weaker students that would make midnight runs to the local grocery store and then try to sneak Coca Cola back onto the campus.
It was almost midnight now and the full moon was now high in the sky. Kenneth looked up as it emerged from the thin cloud it was painstakingly trying to hide behind. Glancing back at his papers he noticed that the unicycle guy was no longer on the trail.. Where did he go, he thought to himself as nonchalantly scanned the path and the surrounding courtyards. He was absolutely gone! The odd thing decidedly was that there was nowhere for him to go. All the buildings on this part of campus were a locked at night. Kenneth joked to himself that he must have ducked into one of the bushes ahead to use the bathroom. As he got a little closer to the bushes ahead and heard the rustling sound he actually thought that it might have been right! Dread washed over every inch of his body and he approched the scene, the last thing he wanted to do was relive that night he was stuck alone in downtown Ogden after hours.
The guy was coming out of the Bush, "Oh, Kenneth exclaimed." "You were just hiding because you don't have a beard card!!
There was a struggle as Ken dove into the bushes but it was over in min. No one would have ever have noticed, it was over so quickly.
The sun was already high over head when his eyes finally opened. "I must have missed my morning class at least" he said to himself as he emerged from the Bush. His shirt was torn to threads, barley hanging on his tall muscular frame. And... his pants where missing completely. NOOO!!! He screamed, attracting more attention to himself on the busy campus then was decidedly necessary. It seemed like only minutes and he was back at his digs. The whole trip seemed like a blur, At first he thought it really was only min, the time went so quickly but he decided that it had probably just been repressed due to the fact that he was three quarters nude.
I never have figured out where my pants go during the transformation he said to himself as he spead along the freeway toward home. The body would be found soon and against all logic instinct tol him that he needed as much distance between him and the remains as possible. He figured noone would suspect him anyway, He had become more and more "unreliable" in the past year and noone who knew him would think twice about him taking off early. The truth was it was what he had to do to keep his secret. His theropist had told him that his pants dissapearing was due to some underlieing insecuraty he was shedding off when he changed to the Werewolf. Kenneth had decided he just needed looser fitting pants, sure they werent as supportive but pants are expensive and granite sales are down. It was really his only choice.
"Ok Kiddies!, Thanks for being so reverent!.. I know EFY's great isn't it! "Remember who you are!" Kenneth said one last goodbye for the day to his EFY students and strolled down the path on the verge of the BYU campus. Class had gotten over a little late but it was a path that Jeppy had followed night after night after class got out and he often wandered them at night just thinking about life and the ongoing pursuit of his eternal companion. He stopped to pick up a paper that someone had carelessly left on the side of the Path. He glanced over the headline as he placed it in the trash bin. "Heck Hound Attacks Another Student" Student Emmet Thompson narrowly escaped the clutches of the heck hound late thursday night at the cost of his best friend and bride to be Angus Chatworth. "She was such a swe... Kenneth quickly lost interest in the sub par article and continued down the trail.
There was someone walking ahead of him on the trail, just far enough that he couldn't quite make out who he was, though he could tell that he was a councilor by the blue polo he was wearing and he was almost sure that it was that loser that he had seen the day before riding his unicycle. Deciding he didn't want to waist to much time on the dork ahead of him he pulled the wad of papers out of his back pocket that he had been preparing the lesson for the next day on. He was thankful for BYU for putting so many light up around campus, it was almost as easy to read in the middle of the night as it would have been in the middle of the day. The School had installed the lighting system to make it easier for the watcher to catch some of the weaker students that would make midnight runs to the local grocery store and then try to sneak Coca Cola back onto the campus.
It was almost midnight now and the full moon was now high in the sky. Kenneth looked up as it emerged from the thin cloud it was painstakingly trying to hide behind. Glancing back at his papers he noticed that the unicycle guy was no longer on the trail.. Where did he go, he thought to himself as nonchalantly scanned the path and the surrounding courtyards. He was absolutely gone! The odd thing decidedly was that there was nowhere for him to go. All the buildings on this part of campus were a locked at night. Kenneth joked to himself that he must have ducked into one of the bushes ahead to use the bathroom. As he got a little closer to the bushes ahead and heard the rustling sound he actually thought that it might have been right! Dread washed over every inch of his body and he approched the scene, the last thing he wanted to do was relive that night he was stuck alone in downtown Ogden after hours.
The guy was coming out of the Bush, "Oh, Kenneth exclaimed." "You were just hiding because you don't have a beard card!!
There was a struggle as Ken dove into the bushes but it was over in min. No one would have ever have noticed, it was over so quickly.
The sun was already high over head when his eyes finally opened. "I must have missed my morning class at least" he said to himself as he emerged from the Bush. His shirt was torn to threads, barley hanging on his tall muscular frame. And... his pants where missing completely. NOOO!!! He screamed, attracting more attention to himself on the busy campus then was decidedly necessary. It seemed like only minutes and he was back at his digs. The whole trip seemed like a blur, At first he thought it really was only min, the time went so quickly but he decided that it had probably just been repressed due to the fact that he was three quarters nude.
I never have figured out where my pants go during the transformation he said to himself as he spead along the freeway toward home. The body would be found soon and against all logic instinct tol him that he needed as much distance between him and the remains as possible. He figured noone would suspect him anyway, He had become more and more "unreliable" in the past year and noone who knew him would think twice about him taking off early. The truth was it was what he had to do to keep his secret. His theropist had told him that his pants dissapearing was due to some underlieing insecuraty he was shedding off when he changed to the Werewolf. Kenneth had decided he just needed looser fitting pants, sure they werent as supportive but pants are expensive and granite sales are down. It was really his only choice.
Friday, December 12, 2008
"Tell me Kenneth" commanded the therapist, ....For some reason ever since "it" happened when ever Kenneth was asked something by the humans it always seemed like they were trying to command him...... "Why do you think in these dreams, that your pants are always distressed?"
"Well, wait, did.., haven't you asked me this before?" With that Kenneth had lost his patience, He sprang from the che's lounge and the transformation began and was complete before he reached the Doctor. It was over as quickly as it had started and Kenneth left via the fire escape. I really do need to start wearing sweatpants when there is any chance of killing he thought to himself and he climbed into the classic Ford Galaxy waiting in the ally. Other then the lack of pants no one would have ever suspected Kenneth was more then a fit, well built workoutaholic with shaggy hair and long nails. Werewolves are more like vampires of Legend. Not the over grown dogs of most common folklore. The transformation was subtle but deadly to anyone on the receiving end. But then there were the pants...
Kenneth put the Galaxy in park and walked a short ways through the parking lot into the mall, After picking up several pairs of lounge pants he was off and ready for work, sure he wasn't able to wear the pants there but as far as he figured, he could at least wear them under his pants, it was winter and he could easily pass the double layer off as a need for added warmth as he was frequently traveling and outdoors in his efforts to sell more granite.
Driving out of the parking lot Kenneth's mind drifted back to the greasy therapist, ...What kind of freaking therapist was he anyway, asking the same stupid question over and over, sure my pants turn to shreds despite the comparatively subtle size in bulk my legs take on. Maybe he suspected it was more then a dream. Who's that lady and why is she staring at me. She cant see my pants can she? Stupid greasy therapist give me a belly ache. Why am I so hairy even when I'm in human form? Gosh my stomach really hurts. Where did I put the change that lady in the mall gave me? Oh man am I freaking out? Is this one of those freak out attacks? Come on Jeppy, calm down.. there go all those questions again.. you know what the Doctor said about this... deep breaths... Aahhh that's better....
"Well, wait, did.., haven't you asked me this before?" With that Kenneth had lost his patience, He sprang from the che's lounge and the transformation began and was complete before he reached the Doctor. It was over as quickly as it had started and Kenneth left via the fire escape. I really do need to start wearing sweatpants when there is any chance of killing he thought to himself and he climbed into the classic Ford Galaxy waiting in the ally. Other then the lack of pants no one would have ever suspected Kenneth was more then a fit, well built workoutaholic with shaggy hair and long nails. Werewolves are more like vampires of Legend. Not the over grown dogs of most common folklore. The transformation was subtle but deadly to anyone on the receiving end. But then there were the pants...
Kenneth put the Galaxy in park and walked a short ways through the parking lot into the mall, After picking up several pairs of lounge pants he was off and ready for work, sure he wasn't able to wear the pants there but as far as he figured, he could at least wear them under his pants, it was winter and he could easily pass the double layer off as a need for added warmth as he was frequently traveling and outdoors in his efforts to sell more granite.
Driving out of the parking lot Kenneth's mind drifted back to the greasy therapist, ...What kind of freaking therapist was he anyway, asking the same stupid question over and over, sure my pants turn to shreds despite the comparatively subtle size in bulk my legs take on. Maybe he suspected it was more then a dream. Who's that lady and why is she staring at me. She cant see my pants can she? Stupid greasy therapist give me a belly ache. Why am I so hairy even when I'm in human form? Gosh my stomach really hurts. Where did I put the change that lady in the mall gave me? Oh man am I freaking out? Is this one of those freak out attacks? Come on Jeppy, calm down.. there go all those questions again.. you know what the Doctor said about this... deep breaths... Aahhh that's better....
It had been two months since finishing off the doctor and Kenneth was becoming overwhelmed by intense instinct that was dictating his actions more and more. He rarely came home, living in the mountains above Farmington with no more then a sleeping bag and some other very basic necessities.
It was almost dusk, Kenneth had spent the better part of the evening stalking a Doe through one of the more remote part of the Farmington area of the Rocky mountains, if there was such a thing. Most of the locals stayed to the road that lead to the peak, and most of the kids looking for a secluded spot for romance didn't even make it that far. Kenneth now preferred to stay as far from civilization as he could though there was still a lingering desire to be a part of it, thus he stayed in the section of the mountains familure to him but only returned home when the desire became more then he could handle, or to check on his mail.
On this particular day he had made a game of how long he could stalk the deer without being discovered. He had hunted here many times and new he could easily outrun any number of animals in these hills and was growing tired of it. They hardly passed for food as it was, and he had to force himself to hunt. Suddenly he heard something coming from the north, it was moving fast along the tree line when he finally saw it, heading strait for the deer. The second he stepped into the scrub the deer spotted him, though it was to late. The were wolf sprang on the deer breaking its neck instantly then quickly drug it back to the treeline from where it had emerged. Kenneth knew he wasn't the only one of his kind in the general area but Werewolves are very territorial and just the scent of another wolf when moving into a new area was enough to deture any one of his kind from settling. In fact Kenneth had never so much as wiffed another werewolf since he came into the mountains.
...How long have I been here?... Kenneth questioned himself as he sat partially out of shock, still motionless in the clearing where he had first detected the other wolf. The moon was high in the sky now, barely a sliver giving off minimal light. Kenneth saw and heard everything as clearly as if it were day and he could still smell the lingering scent of the intruder to his sanctuary. He was as steady as he was swift as he tracked the other of his kind, rerunning the events of the earlier day over and over, He wondered why the other had not detected him, perhaps his pursuit of the game had overwhelmed his senses. There was another explanation, new werewolves' senses weren't as acute as they became over time and if this wolf hadn't been to the meetings he probably wouldn't have been familure to the scent.
Kenneths mind shifted back to the trail as he reentered town at the northern part of Fruit Heights stopping as he neared the highway, It would be just as easy now to stop at home to get cleaned up. He made an abrupt left and head for home. He could track him just as easily from the driver seat of the Galaxy with the window down and by his reckoning he was well over do for a bath and a shave.
Kenneth woke up when the water turned to cold in the small bathroom of the two bedroom apartment he shared with a friend. The place wasn't fancy but it was nice, tucked into an older part of Farmington on a steet that didn't see much traffic, or trouble. Maybe he wouldn't be doing any tracking after all. The shower felt so good he almost didn't care that he had lost sight of his quarry. He wasn't worried, if the wolf wasn't killing people he would more then likely return to the mountains where he made his last kill. "I'll simply track him, find out who he was and then look for him at the monthly werewolf meetings and politely explain the rules to him, if he doesn't like that, I'll rip his arms off." He said outloud.
"Are you talking to yourself about maming people again" Came a shout from outside the bathroom.
"Sorry, I fell asleep in the shower again. I guess I was dreaming."
"Figures, Im trying to do the dishes but for some apparent reason there isn't any hot water!"
Footsteps trailed off down the hall and Kenneths attention went back to his thoughts.
He could have stayed at home when his parents left on there mission but he wanted to show them that he didn't need there help, though they had never pressured Kenneth to move out or even have a job he did feel a sense that they did expect him to at least make some contribution to society. Moving in with Brett was his chance to show them that.
As he lay there soaking in the cold spray of the shower he thought about those feelings. He did want to help society, He didn't care for the 9 to 5 that most jobs required especial now. He had already decided he wouldn't work anymore.
He thought about the poor sucker he had eaten at EFY, Sure he tasted good, but jerks and criminals taste good too. From now on he decided, he would only eat people who really deserved it. On second though, that guy rode a unicycle... he did deserve it, not to mention he had used his ATM card and cleaned out the saps account, which didn't have alot of money but there was enough to pay his part of the rent for the next few months.
It was almost dusk, Kenneth had spent the better part of the evening stalking a Doe through one of the more remote part of the Farmington area of the Rocky mountains, if there was such a thing. Most of the locals stayed to the road that lead to the peak, and most of the kids looking for a secluded spot for romance didn't even make it that far. Kenneth now preferred to stay as far from civilization as he could though there was still a lingering desire to be a part of it, thus he stayed in the section of the mountains familure to him but only returned home when the desire became more then he could handle, or to check on his mail.
On this particular day he had made a game of how long he could stalk the deer without being discovered. He had hunted here many times and new he could easily outrun any number of animals in these hills and was growing tired of it. They hardly passed for food as it was, and he had to force himself to hunt. Suddenly he heard something coming from the north, it was moving fast along the tree line when he finally saw it, heading strait for the deer. The second he stepped into the scrub the deer spotted him, though it was to late. The were wolf sprang on the deer breaking its neck instantly then quickly drug it back to the treeline from where it had emerged. Kenneth knew he wasn't the only one of his kind in the general area but Werewolves are very territorial and just the scent of another wolf when moving into a new area was enough to deture any one of his kind from settling. In fact Kenneth had never so much as wiffed another werewolf since he came into the mountains.
...How long have I been here?... Kenneth questioned himself as he sat partially out of shock, still motionless in the clearing where he had first detected the other wolf. The moon was high in the sky now, barely a sliver giving off minimal light. Kenneth saw and heard everything as clearly as if it were day and he could still smell the lingering scent of the intruder to his sanctuary. He was as steady as he was swift as he tracked the other of his kind, rerunning the events of the earlier day over and over, He wondered why the other had not detected him, perhaps his pursuit of the game had overwhelmed his senses. There was another explanation, new werewolves' senses weren't as acute as they became over time and if this wolf hadn't been to the meetings he probably wouldn't have been familure to the scent.
Kenneths mind shifted back to the trail as he reentered town at the northern part of Fruit Heights stopping as he neared the highway, It would be just as easy now to stop at home to get cleaned up. He made an abrupt left and head for home. He could track him just as easily from the driver seat of the Galaxy with the window down and by his reckoning he was well over do for a bath and a shave.
Kenneth woke up when the water turned to cold in the small bathroom of the two bedroom apartment he shared with a friend. The place wasn't fancy but it was nice, tucked into an older part of Farmington on a steet that didn't see much traffic, or trouble. Maybe he wouldn't be doing any tracking after all. The shower felt so good he almost didn't care that he had lost sight of his quarry. He wasn't worried, if the wolf wasn't killing people he would more then likely return to the mountains where he made his last kill. "I'll simply track him, find out who he was and then look for him at the monthly werewolf meetings and politely explain the rules to him, if he doesn't like that, I'll rip his arms off." He said outloud.
"Are you talking to yourself about maming people again" Came a shout from outside the bathroom.
"Sorry, I fell asleep in the shower again. I guess I was dreaming."
"Figures, Im trying to do the dishes but for some apparent reason there isn't any hot water!"
Footsteps trailed off down the hall and Kenneths attention went back to his thoughts.
He could have stayed at home when his parents left on there mission but he wanted to show them that he didn't need there help, though they had never pressured Kenneth to move out or even have a job he did feel a sense that they did expect him to at least make some contribution to society. Moving in with Brett was his chance to show them that.
As he lay there soaking in the cold spray of the shower he thought about those feelings. He did want to help society, He didn't care for the 9 to 5 that most jobs required especial now. He had already decided he wouldn't work anymore.
He thought about the poor sucker he had eaten at EFY, Sure he tasted good, but jerks and criminals taste good too. From now on he decided, he would only eat people who really deserved it. On second though, that guy rode a unicycle... he did deserve it, not to mention he had used his ATM card and cleaned out the saps account, which didn't have alot of money but there was enough to pay his part of the rent for the next few months.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
"Uhhgg I hate thursdays" Kenneth said aloud as he rolled a little to far in his bed landing with a thud on the floor.
"Why?" shouted Brett through the wall from his own bedroom.
"Hu?" Replied Kenneth.
"Thursdays... Whats wrong with thursdays?
"Uh.. Granite sales are down"
"Well that makes a hell of a lot of sense" Brett murmured under his breath, "especially when you don't go to work"
He could have been whispering with the tv on in the apartment next door and Kenneth would have still been able to hear him if he liked. The real reason Kenneth hated thursdays, well not every thursday, just the last thursday of the month. He didn't have allot happening during the day, which he never did but at four he had his monthly meeting of the DWB Werewolves meeting. DWB which stood for Davis Weber and Boxelder, meaning counties. He wasn't sure exactly why he went to these stupid meetings, It was really the last thing he wanted to do, sure it was only supposed to be three hours tops a month but seriously, there was a reason Werewolves kept there own territories and didn't normally mingle.
He spent the day in front of the TV, as usual, dreading the stupid meeting. He wasn't exactly sure why he was so compelled to go to his meeting but it was really all he could think about. There was really nothing on, Oh sure Teen Wolf was on and somehow Teen Wolf 2, About the only thing he shared with that kid was the desire to car surf minus the air guitar of course... "Which reminds me." Kenneth walk into the kitchen and jotted a quick note on the pad hanging by the fridge. Brett.. Car surfing later? Call me. -Studhorse.
"Call me studhorse" or "Call me, Studhorse" ...How is he going to read this.. his grammar isn't exactly the best.. Oh forget it, Kenneth quickly pulled the note off the fridge, "I don't have a cell phone anyway, how is he going to call?" He said walking out the door.
***********************
The door opened and Brett walked into the living room from one of his many supposed dates with women that he dated, not men because he likes women... women..
"Hey Kenneth your home early, AA run short?"
Brett had seen Kenneth by chance going into the meeting one day and thought it was AA. Kenneth was able to convince him he was going to meetings for research... Brett seemed to buy it (good looking, not that bright)
"Oh yeah, it was lame as usual so I skipped out early."
"Well its just research right?" responded Brett.
"Yeah i left early oh and get this, I stopped at this walk in psychotherapy place, you know.. I though it would be a good gag"
"Uh, you thought doing a preliminary session with a psychotherapy would be a good gag?"
"I know right, hilarious. But then I freaking meet the guy right, and he freaking gives me the freaking Werewolf Secret Handshake! I mean, seriously what the hell, first off why wasn't he at the mee...
"Dude, dude, what thee H E L L are you talking about, did you say werewolf secret handshake? I honestly don't know where you get this stuff, maybe next time go strait to the psychotherapy ok, you don't need to quit drinking."
"I kid, I kid. Hey listen, do you want to go car surfing?" Replied Kenneth awkwardly.
"Tell you what, finish your crack, I'm going to bed. If you still want to go car surfing tomorrow I'll think about it but we'll have to take the Galaxy, Its hard to look cool surfing on a Prius."
Kenneth mumbled something that sounded a bit like "not for a freaking homo like you, you freaking homo." Kenneth was always joking around...
"Going for another walk tonight dude?" Brett shouted as he closed the bathroom door behind him.
"No I think I'll just crash." Kenneth was feeling tired, He needed a good night sleep, when he slept in the woods he was on a constant lookout for any danger, not that there was anything that could match him, but he still didn't want to be taken by surprise either, At least here in the apartment the only thing he would have to worry about was Brett waking him up singing "Its raining men" from the bathroom.
"Why?" shouted Brett through the wall from his own bedroom.
"Hu?" Replied Kenneth.
"Thursdays... Whats wrong with thursdays?
"Uh.. Granite sales are down"
"Well that makes a hell of a lot of sense" Brett murmured under his breath, "especially when you don't go to work"
He could have been whispering with the tv on in the apartment next door and Kenneth would have still been able to hear him if he liked. The real reason Kenneth hated thursdays, well not every thursday, just the last thursday of the month. He didn't have allot happening during the day, which he never did but at four he had his monthly meeting of the DWB Werewolves meeting. DWB which stood for Davis Weber and Boxelder, meaning counties. He wasn't sure exactly why he went to these stupid meetings, It was really the last thing he wanted to do, sure it was only supposed to be three hours tops a month but seriously, there was a reason Werewolves kept there own territories and didn't normally mingle.
He spent the day in front of the TV, as usual, dreading the stupid meeting. He wasn't exactly sure why he was so compelled to go to his meeting but it was really all he could think about. There was really nothing on, Oh sure Teen Wolf was on and somehow Teen Wolf 2, About the only thing he shared with that kid was the desire to car surf minus the air guitar of course... "Which reminds me." Kenneth walk into the kitchen and jotted a quick note on the pad hanging by the fridge. Brett.. Car surfing later? Call me. -Studhorse.
"Call me studhorse" or "Call me, Studhorse" ...How is he going to read this.. his grammar isn't exactly the best.. Oh forget it, Kenneth quickly pulled the note off the fridge, "I don't have a cell phone anyway, how is he going to call?" He said walking out the door.
***********************
The door opened and Brett walked into the living room from one of his many supposed dates with women that he dated, not men because he likes women... women..
"Hey Kenneth your home early, AA run short?"
Brett had seen Kenneth by chance going into the meeting one day and thought it was AA. Kenneth was able to convince him he was going to meetings for research... Brett seemed to buy it (good looking, not that bright)
"Oh yeah, it was lame as usual so I skipped out early."
"Well its just research right?" responded Brett.
"Yeah i left early oh and get this, I stopped at this walk in psychotherapy place, you know.. I though it would be a good gag"
"Uh, you thought doing a preliminary session with a psychotherapy would be a good gag?"
"I know right, hilarious. But then I freaking meet the guy right, and he freaking gives me the freaking Werewolf Secret Handshake! I mean, seriously what the hell, first off why wasn't he at the mee...
"Dude, dude, what thee H E L L are you talking about, did you say werewolf secret handshake? I honestly don't know where you get this stuff, maybe next time go strait to the psychotherapy ok, you don't need to quit drinking."
"I kid, I kid. Hey listen, do you want to go car surfing?" Replied Kenneth awkwardly.
"Tell you what, finish your crack, I'm going to bed. If you still want to go car surfing tomorrow I'll think about it but we'll have to take the Galaxy, Its hard to look cool surfing on a Prius."
Kenneth mumbled something that sounded a bit like "not for a freaking homo like you, you freaking homo." Kenneth was always joking around...
"Going for another walk tonight dude?" Brett shouted as he closed the bathroom door behind him.
"No I think I'll just crash." Kenneth was feeling tired, He needed a good night sleep, when he slept in the woods he was on a constant lookout for any danger, not that there was anything that could match him, but he still didn't want to be taken by surprise either, At least here in the apartment the only thing he would have to worry about was Brett waking him up singing "Its raining men" from the bathroom.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Brett flipped his underwear up with his foot and caught it in his hand, throwing it into the hamper with satisfaction at his superb coordination. He stepped into the tub where the hot water was already running.
"Ooh! that's nice." Brett cooed to himself. He started giggling with delight at the wonderful sensation on his skin. It had been a fun day. Brett had spent most of the day at the mall shopping for super chic footware. He had found a great pair of sketchers.
The guys at Brennfäug are gonna be so jealous!
Brett was a shipping and recieving specialist at one of the nations largest chemical suppliers.
Brett was excited for the night. His friend Ben from work had invited him to a party that night with a new group of friends. Brett got out of the shower, humming "It’s Raining Men" as he toweled off his hair. When he got out of the bathroom, he found his roommate Kenneth watching TV on the couch.
”Hey” said Brett.
Kenneth sat staring vacantly at the big screen. Brett paused on his way to the kitchen.
“Dude.”
“Oh, hey.” Kenneth said blankly. “It’s raining men.”
“What?”
“Hallelujah... You always hum that in the shower.”
“You could hear that?”
Kenneth just shrugged. He had been acting odd lately. At least more odd than usual.
“Well at least I am showering.” Brett said quietly to himself.
Kenneth let out clipped bark of a throaty laugh. Kenneth had such a musky stink about him lately.
“I’m off the party, you sure you don’t want to come?”
“No. I like TV.”
Brett noted with a frown that Kenneth was staring at the satellite help screen.
“Alright, later dude.” Said Brett.
Ben was waiting for him in the driveway. Brett wondered why he had insisted on picking him up, when it was ten miles the wrong direction.
“Hey Ben.” Said Brett.
“Hey man! How’s it going?”
“Good. So, how did you meet these guys?”
“It’s kind of a long story.”
Brett was a little confused when they got to the “party.” It was at the Layton community center.
That’s kind of weird.
As they walked into the center, Brett at once was shocked by how bright it was. All of the lights were on. There was a giant banner running the length of the room that said, “International Unifiers United.”
Kind of redundant. Well, this is just swell, what’ll it be, time shares in Bronson Missouri?
"Welcome you two! Hi Brett!” Said “Brad,” as his name tag indicated. Brad had a cheesy smile to match his terrible sweater vest. Brett exchanged pleasantries with the awkward man, regretting immediately his decision to come along. “We’re about to get started, why don’t you guys have a seat.”
"This is gonna be great!" Said Ben with a gleeful smile.
Brett gave Ben an icy sideways glance.
“Oh yeah, it’s the bomb, guy. You’re gonna fit in perfect here Brett.” Said Brad.
How the hell…? How did this fruit know his name? Ben. Ben is trying to recruit me. Great. Just a party with friends. MmHmm.
"Party huh?" Brett asked.
“Come on Brett, you're gonna love this!” Said Ben.
Brett wasn’t so sure. He slowly became aware of a terrible jazz number playing softly over the loud speakers. Brett reluctantly took a seat, bypassing the snack table, which he noted had red punch.
Oh crap, that looks like Kool-aid.
He went on high alert. But his heightened awareness didn't last long. The speaker for the night showed a lame video of some service trip he took down to India. It was cool that the group raised the money to build the kids a school and all but it was just so... sappy. Brett started quietly singing kumbaya under his breath. Brett's attention was wandering, and as he scanned the faces in the meeting, those faces, like glassy eyed sheep, frozen in time with the perma grin on their stupid faces. Brett saw that almost the entire row was holding hands.
Okay. I am about ten seconds from freaking out.
The speaker was pedantic and hypnotic. The audience was listening intently.
He must be using mind control. This is like a group coma. Seriously. When do we start the chanting?
Even as Brett thought that, the audience rose to their feet. Suddenly Ben on the right and the creepy lady on the left that smelled like tuna had their arms around his torso.
“POWER OF HOPE! POWER THROUGH UNITY! POWER IN US!"
Brett gritted his teeth and tried not to punch the tuna lady in her nasty yellow grill.
Ben is going to die for this.
“Wasn’t that video awesome!” Ben more remarked than asked as they left the meeting. “Don’t you just love the feeling of unity? This has totally changed my life. The IUU has given me such a sense of purpose.”
After twenty agonizing minutes of hearing about how energy healing can cure cancer, Brett was getting out of Ben’s car with an armful of printed propaganda.
“See you tomorrow Brett.” Said Ben.
“Yeah. Later.” Said Brett with no emotion in his voice.
Brett fumbled with his keys for a moment until he realized the door was slightly ajar.
“Dammit Kenneth.”
Along with Kenneth’s robust new odor, he’d been increasingly distracted and irresponsible. His classic Galaxie was still parked awkwardly diagonal in the driveway with a tire on the front lawn, Brett knew he was out for another one of his late night walks.
If he broke another sprinkler head, I'm going to make him fix it this time. Man, my friends are messed up. Kenneth with his reek of Alaskan trout fisherman and Ben with his freaky sunshine cult. Ben used to be cool, now I just want to jack him in the nuts to knock that cornball Captain America wholesomeness right off of him... Wow, that’s harsh. Okay Brettford, take it easy. It’s nice that Ben found god. Or his metaphysical pyramid scheme or whatever.
With thoughts of all the soda ash he had to get loaded on the rail car tomorrow, Brett drifted off into fitful dreams.
The annoying buzz of the alarm clock shocked Brett to consciousness. The predawn light was starting to make the lines of his Kevin Federline poster on the wall visible. Brett sat up and reached for his dream journal to record the details of the Davis county school superintendent trying to steal caustic from Brennfäug. Brett sighed. Still no Jessica Alba.
Oh well, maybe tonight’s the night we’ll meet on the astral plane.
•••
Brett took another panting gasp through the tiny hole. He couldn’t get enough fresh, cool, air, fast enough and had to settle for a mixture of more of the stale, humid air. Brett couldn’t concentrate on anything, not even the thought that he must be cooking alive. The sweat was still stinging his eyes. There was no point in opening them; there was no light there anyway. He had lost track of time. How many hours had it been? Two days now? He wasn’t sure. He just wished he could stretch out and lie down flat. He was still curled up in the fetal position. He figured even if they did unlock the box, he’d be too cramped to jump out. He needed water soon; his tongue was swollen in his mouth with thirst. He remembered that survivalists would drink their urine when they were out of water. But Brett hadn’t had to pee for hours.
•••
The old school DOS style cursor blinked on Brett’s computer, expectantly waiting for a command. Ben seemed oblivious to the huge pile of invoices that needed to be gone through, and continued to babble.
Please shut up, please shut up. Brett nodded as if he was listening. My teeth are going to break. Brett’s jaw muscles were burning. SHUT-UP SHUT-UP-SHUT-UP!
“We’re going to have a barbeque this Saturday, you should totally come!” Ben said.
“Ahhh, can’t. Kenneth and I are going to go golfing on Saturday. Sorry man.”
“No, that’s perfect, the BBQ doesn’t start til 7, and that’s pretty much dusk, you’ll be done by then righ-"
“Oh, hey,” Brett interrupted, “I’ve got some HCL on the dock I've got to…” Brett trailed off as he hurried away from Ben.
***
Brett ended up perusing the pamphlets Ben had given him as he sat on the toilet that weekend. There was a lot to read, but that was just fine because Brett had had some bad Mexican food that day. In fact it turned out to be double blessing since he ran out of toilet paper after the first fifteen minutes. The glossy ones were actually pretty soft. The booklets were pretty predictable. Just like the watchtower, there was a lot of circular reasoning and vapid aphorisms. But the most annoying part, was that they didn’t say anything substantive in it. After all that reading, Brett still had no idea what the International Unifiers United was all about. Near as he could tell, it was just another type of Scientology.
Great Gatsby! It is a cult.
“Kenneth!”
“AAAAHHH!!! CLOSE THE DOOR!” Kenneth yelled.
“You’re such a baby. Gosh!" Brett leaned over from the toilet to swing the door shut.
“It’s burning my eyes!” Kenneth wailed from the living room. “Courtesy flush!”
Brett emerged from the bathroom with a scowl on his face. “The toilet’s clogged again.”
“It only clogs when you flush newspaper. Why don’t you just keep an extra roll under the sink? You’re paying for the plumber this time.”
“I paid last time!”
“Because YOU flushed newspaper, you black sphinctered sodomite!”
“What? Look, dude, dude. Dude. Ben is in a cult.”
“ Mormon, eh?”
“Not the funny underpants kind, the bunk bed and Kool-Aid kind.”
“Brett, I told you, Cutco isn’t a cult. They are the best damn knives on the planet. I made some money one summer, and now I'm done. Just drop it!”
“No, no, no. I’m serious. Cutco is a cult, but this is real. Ben took me to the International Unifiers United meeting last week.”
“I thought you went to a party.”
“Yeah, I thought I was going to a party too.”
“I read about those guys. They’re that break off from the scientologists. Rumor has it, the inner circle is building a space ship.”
“No kidding. Huh... Ben's in deep. I've got to help him."
Kenneth sat on the couch, shifting uneasily. "Everybody's got problems."
"Ooh! that's nice." Brett cooed to himself. He started giggling with delight at the wonderful sensation on his skin. It had been a fun day. Brett had spent most of the day at the mall shopping for super chic footware. He had found a great pair of sketchers.
The guys at Brennfäug are gonna be so jealous!
Brett was a shipping and recieving specialist at one of the nations largest chemical suppliers.
Brett was excited for the night. His friend Ben from work had invited him to a party that night with a new group of friends. Brett got out of the shower, humming "It’s Raining Men" as he toweled off his hair. When he got out of the bathroom, he found his roommate Kenneth watching TV on the couch.
”Hey” said Brett.
Kenneth sat staring vacantly at the big screen. Brett paused on his way to the kitchen.
“Dude.”
“Oh, hey.” Kenneth said blankly. “It’s raining men.”
“What?”
“Hallelujah... You always hum that in the shower.”
“You could hear that?”
Kenneth just shrugged. He had been acting odd lately. At least more odd than usual.
“Well at least I am showering.” Brett said quietly to himself.
Kenneth let out clipped bark of a throaty laugh. Kenneth had such a musky stink about him lately.
“I’m off the party, you sure you don’t want to come?”
“No. I like TV.”
Brett noted with a frown that Kenneth was staring at the satellite help screen.
“Alright, later dude.” Said Brett.
Ben was waiting for him in the driveway. Brett wondered why he had insisted on picking him up, when it was ten miles the wrong direction.
“Hey Ben.” Said Brett.
“Hey man! How’s it going?”
“Good. So, how did you meet these guys?”
“It’s kind of a long story.”
Brett was a little confused when they got to the “party.” It was at the Layton community center.
That’s kind of weird.
As they walked into the center, Brett at once was shocked by how bright it was. All of the lights were on. There was a giant banner running the length of the room that said, “International Unifiers United.”
Kind of redundant. Well, this is just swell, what’ll it be, time shares in Bronson Missouri?
"Welcome you two! Hi Brett!” Said “Brad,” as his name tag indicated. Brad had a cheesy smile to match his terrible sweater vest. Brett exchanged pleasantries with the awkward man, regretting immediately his decision to come along. “We’re about to get started, why don’t you guys have a seat.”
"This is gonna be great!" Said Ben with a gleeful smile.
Brett gave Ben an icy sideways glance.
“Oh yeah, it’s the bomb, guy. You’re gonna fit in perfect here Brett.” Said Brad.
How the hell…? How did this fruit know his name? Ben. Ben is trying to recruit me. Great. Just a party with friends. MmHmm.
"Party huh?" Brett asked.
“Come on Brett, you're gonna love this!” Said Ben.
Brett wasn’t so sure. He slowly became aware of a terrible jazz number playing softly over the loud speakers. Brett reluctantly took a seat, bypassing the snack table, which he noted had red punch.
Oh crap, that looks like Kool-aid.
He went on high alert. But his heightened awareness didn't last long. The speaker for the night showed a lame video of some service trip he took down to India. It was cool that the group raised the money to build the kids a school and all but it was just so... sappy. Brett started quietly singing kumbaya under his breath. Brett's attention was wandering, and as he scanned the faces in the meeting, those faces, like glassy eyed sheep, frozen in time with the perma grin on their stupid faces. Brett saw that almost the entire row was holding hands.
Okay. I am about ten seconds from freaking out.
The speaker was pedantic and hypnotic. The audience was listening intently.
He must be using mind control. This is like a group coma. Seriously. When do we start the chanting?
Even as Brett thought that, the audience rose to their feet. Suddenly Ben on the right and the creepy lady on the left that smelled like tuna had their arms around his torso.
“POWER OF HOPE! POWER THROUGH UNITY! POWER IN US!"
Brett gritted his teeth and tried not to punch the tuna lady in her nasty yellow grill.
Ben is going to die for this.
“Wasn’t that video awesome!” Ben more remarked than asked as they left the meeting. “Don’t you just love the feeling of unity? This has totally changed my life. The IUU has given me such a sense of purpose.”
After twenty agonizing minutes of hearing about how energy healing can cure cancer, Brett was getting out of Ben’s car with an armful of printed propaganda.
“See you tomorrow Brett.” Said Ben.
“Yeah. Later.” Said Brett with no emotion in his voice.
Brett fumbled with his keys for a moment until he realized the door was slightly ajar.
“Dammit Kenneth.”
Along with Kenneth’s robust new odor, he’d been increasingly distracted and irresponsible. His classic Galaxie was still parked awkwardly diagonal in the driveway with a tire on the front lawn, Brett knew he was out for another one of his late night walks.
If he broke another sprinkler head, I'm going to make him fix it this time. Man, my friends are messed up. Kenneth with his reek of Alaskan trout fisherman and Ben with his freaky sunshine cult. Ben used to be cool, now I just want to jack him in the nuts to knock that cornball Captain America wholesomeness right off of him... Wow, that’s harsh. Okay Brettford, take it easy. It’s nice that Ben found god. Or his metaphysical pyramid scheme or whatever.
With thoughts of all the soda ash he had to get loaded on the rail car tomorrow, Brett drifted off into fitful dreams.
The annoying buzz of the alarm clock shocked Brett to consciousness. The predawn light was starting to make the lines of his Kevin Federline poster on the wall visible. Brett sat up and reached for his dream journal to record the details of the Davis county school superintendent trying to steal caustic from Brennfäug. Brett sighed. Still no Jessica Alba.
Oh well, maybe tonight’s the night we’ll meet on the astral plane.
•••
Brett took another panting gasp through the tiny hole. He couldn’t get enough fresh, cool, air, fast enough and had to settle for a mixture of more of the stale, humid air. Brett couldn’t concentrate on anything, not even the thought that he must be cooking alive. The sweat was still stinging his eyes. There was no point in opening them; there was no light there anyway. He had lost track of time. How many hours had it been? Two days now? He wasn’t sure. He just wished he could stretch out and lie down flat. He was still curled up in the fetal position. He figured even if they did unlock the box, he’d be too cramped to jump out. He needed water soon; his tongue was swollen in his mouth with thirst. He remembered that survivalists would drink their urine when they were out of water. But Brett hadn’t had to pee for hours.
•••
The old school DOS style cursor blinked on Brett’s computer, expectantly waiting for a command. Ben seemed oblivious to the huge pile of invoices that needed to be gone through, and continued to babble.
Please shut up, please shut up. Brett nodded as if he was listening. My teeth are going to break. Brett’s jaw muscles were burning. SHUT-UP SHUT-UP-SHUT-UP!
“We’re going to have a barbeque this Saturday, you should totally come!” Ben said.
“Ahhh, can’t. Kenneth and I are going to go golfing on Saturday. Sorry man.”
“No, that’s perfect, the BBQ doesn’t start til 7, and that’s pretty much dusk, you’ll be done by then righ-"
“Oh, hey,” Brett interrupted, “I’ve got some HCL on the dock I've got to…” Brett trailed off as he hurried away from Ben.
***
Brett ended up perusing the pamphlets Ben had given him as he sat on the toilet that weekend. There was a lot to read, but that was just fine because Brett had had some bad Mexican food that day. In fact it turned out to be double blessing since he ran out of toilet paper after the first fifteen minutes. The glossy ones were actually pretty soft. The booklets were pretty predictable. Just like the watchtower, there was a lot of circular reasoning and vapid aphorisms. But the most annoying part, was that they didn’t say anything substantive in it. After all that reading, Brett still had no idea what the International Unifiers United was all about. Near as he could tell, it was just another type of Scientology.
Great Gatsby! It is a cult.
“Kenneth!”
“AAAAHHH!!! CLOSE THE DOOR!” Kenneth yelled.
“You’re such a baby. Gosh!" Brett leaned over from the toilet to swing the door shut.
“It’s burning my eyes!” Kenneth wailed from the living room. “Courtesy flush!”
Brett emerged from the bathroom with a scowl on his face. “The toilet’s clogged again.”
“It only clogs when you flush newspaper. Why don’t you just keep an extra roll under the sink? You’re paying for the plumber this time.”
“I paid last time!”
“Because YOU flushed newspaper, you black sphinctered sodomite!”
“What? Look, dude, dude. Dude. Ben is in a cult.”
“ Mormon, eh?”
“Not the funny underpants kind, the bunk bed and Kool-Aid kind.”
“Brett, I told you, Cutco isn’t a cult. They are the best damn knives on the planet. I made some money one summer, and now I'm done. Just drop it!”
“No, no, no. I’m serious. Cutco is a cult, but this is real. Ben took me to the International Unifiers United meeting last week.”
“I thought you went to a party.”
“Yeah, I thought I was going to a party too.”
“I read about those guys. They’re that break off from the scientologists. Rumor has it, the inner circle is building a space ship.”
“No kidding. Huh... Ben's in deep. I've got to help him."
Kenneth sat on the couch, shifting uneasily. "Everybody's got problems."
Monday, December 15, 2008
"This is why we can't have nice things!" Brett complained.
"I told you I hate Family Feud." Kenneth snarled.
"Louie Anderson isn't that bad. Now clean that up."
"Not until you promise no more."
"Fine! Then no more discovery channel either. If I have to watch another stupid documentary on wolves, I am going blow a hemorrhoid."
Kenneth frowned, unsure what to say. Brett and Kenneth held an awkward look for a full two seconds. Brett was first to look away and cough uncomfortably.
"So uh... We still going to the planetarium tonight? Brett asked.
"Fly me to the moon, right?" Kenneth asked, eyes brightening.
"Yeah. That's gonna be cool."
"..."
"Yeah."
"3-D."
"Cool."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
Thankfully, the doorbell rang at that exact moment. Kenneth walked briskly to the door and opened it.
"Ni hao ma!" Kenneth said with delight. Chad, the delivery driver from the Chinese place was standing on the porch with a bag full of lomein and kung pao.
"I'm Vietnamese." Chad said for the second time this week.
"Godless communists." Kenneth muttered as he handed Chad the money.
"Oh brother." Said Brett. If I have to see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon again, I swear on the blood of Thor, there will be swift punishment. Ever since he saw that stupid movie he thinks he's pan Asian or something. Chad left with his crisp two dollar bill for a tip and Kenneth came back to the couch with his dinner. He shoveled in a mouthful, closing his eyes with intensity. When he opened them again, he had a look of disappointment on his face.
"Shoulda figured. If everything tastes like chicken, how come chicken doesn't taste like people?" Kenneth said to himself, almost too quietly to be heard.
"What was that?" Brett asked annoyed.
"Oh nothing. Food just sucks lately. Did they stop using MSG or something?"
"Are you kidding? My stomach is bleeding just from the smell of that stuff."
"Crap. Oh, hey, so how did your intervention with Star-Beam?"
"You mean Ben?"
"Yeah, Sparkle-Child."
"He hasn't changed his name."
"Yet."
"True that. Well, he didn't show up for work today, cause, get this. He is at a freaking weekend retreat."
"It's Thursday."
"I know, the Unifier's think its the most holy day of the week, so Applewhite gets to claim it as a religious holiday."
"Gay."
"Yeah."
"Its just like those Jews, ruining my weekend. Closing their stupid stores down on Saturday. How am I supposed to get gefeltifish when I need it?"
"Ugh. Gefeltifish? That's like spams bastard child from a threesome with dolphin free tuna and bologna."
"Oh yeah. It's nast. But it makes great bait."
"Since when do you fish?"
"Oh, um. I just heard about it on Wikipedia."
Now it was Bretts turn to hold the awkward frowning stare until Kenneth looked away.
"I told you I hate Family Feud." Kenneth snarled.
"Louie Anderson isn't that bad. Now clean that up."
"Not until you promise no more."
"Fine! Then no more discovery channel either. If I have to watch another stupid documentary on wolves, I am going blow a hemorrhoid."
Kenneth frowned, unsure what to say. Brett and Kenneth held an awkward look for a full two seconds. Brett was first to look away and cough uncomfortably.
"So uh... We still going to the planetarium tonight? Brett asked.
"Fly me to the moon, right?" Kenneth asked, eyes brightening.
"Yeah. That's gonna be cool."
"..."
"Yeah."
"3-D."
"Cool."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
Thankfully, the doorbell rang at that exact moment. Kenneth walked briskly to the door and opened it.
"Ni hao ma!" Kenneth said with delight. Chad, the delivery driver from the Chinese place was standing on the porch with a bag full of lomein and kung pao.
"I'm Vietnamese." Chad said for the second time this week.
"Godless communists." Kenneth muttered as he handed Chad the money.
"Oh brother." Said Brett. If I have to see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon again, I swear on the blood of Thor, there will be swift punishment. Ever since he saw that stupid movie he thinks he's pan Asian or something. Chad left with his crisp two dollar bill for a tip and Kenneth came back to the couch with his dinner. He shoveled in a mouthful, closing his eyes with intensity. When he opened them again, he had a look of disappointment on his face.
"Shoulda figured. If everything tastes like chicken, how come chicken doesn't taste like people?" Kenneth said to himself, almost too quietly to be heard.
"What was that?" Brett asked annoyed.
"Oh nothing. Food just sucks lately. Did they stop using MSG or something?"
"Are you kidding? My stomach is bleeding just from the smell of that stuff."
"Crap. Oh, hey, so how did your intervention with Star-Beam?"
"You mean Ben?"
"Yeah, Sparkle-Child."
"He hasn't changed his name."
"Yet."
"True that. Well, he didn't show up for work today, cause, get this. He is at a freaking weekend retreat."
"It's Thursday."
"I know, the Unifier's think its the most holy day of the week, so Applewhite gets to claim it as a religious holiday."
"Gay."
"Yeah."
"Its just like those Jews, ruining my weekend. Closing their stupid stores down on Saturday. How am I supposed to get gefeltifish when I need it?"
"Ugh. Gefeltifish? That's like spams bastard child from a threesome with dolphin free tuna and bologna."
"Oh yeah. It's nast. But it makes great bait."
"Since when do you fish?"
"Oh, um. I just heard about it on Wikipedia."
Now it was Bretts turn to hold the awkward frowning stare until Kenneth looked away.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2008
"I'm money baby, I'm money"
Brett had been saying stupid things like that all morning, he was in the bathroom, the shower more accurately, he'd been in there for about 40 min and Kenneth shuttered as to what he was doing, "I'mmoney baby" What is that, Kenneth asked the TV. The shower finally turned off and Kenneth heard Brett again, he could only assume he was in front of the mirror.
"Oh yeaahh, snap it to a slim Jim." "My gosh I am good looking,Whitbeck will those good looks ever die?"
That was when Kenneth realised what friendship really was. He had never wanted to eat someone so bad.. but he had a high tolerancefor pain and knew he would be totally alone if it wasn't for Brett, he was the only person he could be tot.. well partially honest with even though he remained oblivious to all that Ken had told him. Why else would someone be the same thing EVERY YEAR for Halloween.
"Ok dude I'm off to work, What are you doing today?" Asked Brett as he pulled his hoodie over his head.
"I don't know dude, I'm not feeling very good, a bit sluggish... , I think it might be food poisoning."
"Maybe you just need to go sit on the pot for a while, it usually helps me."
"Wow.. that's.. I don't know what that is.."
Kenneth supposed that Brett was trying to make up for singing its raining men every morning in the shower by saying "strait things." Judging by how thick he was laying it on he was likely to come home with tank tops and hot pants tonight.
Kenneth knew he wasn't lying when he said he felt sluggish and not well but it was more then likely the fact that he hadn't fed since he came back from the mountains. In truth he didn't know why he had stayed in the apartment for so long, It wasn't that he didn't like it, He loved hanging out with Brett and acting like the average 20 something single guy, but for some reason he just felt empty. Maybe it was time to go for a hike.
Kenneth drove north toward Ogden following the familiar curves and hills of the old highway. The weather, though cold was good and the mountains were relatively free of snow, he figured he could still find one or two hikers in the hills outside the city. After making his way through town he parked a couple blocks from the roadway that lead up the divide that spurred two trail heads. He made quick time moving up the canyon not following the the road. He was warm despite the fact that he wore only his cross trainers, a loose fitting pair of sweatshorts and a light t-shirt. It was the blood pumping through him as he raced up the mountain that warmed his body, and the thrill of the upcoming hunt. He decided to head west toward BenLomand, it was a longer and more secluded trail. There were a couple of steep drop offs where a clumsy hiker could easily slip and fall, "Damit!" He said out loud, "I forgot an extra pair of shorts." Kenneth didn't mind being naked, He just didn't know how everyone else would deal with it.
There was a little trick Kenneth had been practicing in the apartment while Brett was at work. He had been doing some research and found out that some werewolves can turn completely to wolf form. He thought to himself that today might be the perfect time to try it if he couldn't find anyone alone.
Sitting in a perch half way up a large tree Kenneth hung his shorts on a branch and surveyed the trail leading toward the high peak. He could see a young woman trotting briskly up the trail, she was fit and had obviously traveled along this trail many times, "Oh this is great, the one time I have to go without pants... oh man she's going to see everything" ...Come on Jeppy, she's not going to see anything, you're going to sneak up behind her and she'll never hear... or see a thing.
*********
After retrieving his shorts from the tree Kenneth made his way back to the car. He ignored the trail and went down the western slope of the mountain, then moved east along the outskirts of town toward the block where he had left his car. He made it to his car just at dusk and ignored the speed limit on his way back to Farmington.
"Hey there you are, woooow you stink.. and your covered in dirt... where have you been?" Asked Brett as Kenneth walked through the door.
"I went for a hike today and I ate it down about half the mountain.. or at least it felt like it." Kenneth lied
"Well what happened to your shorts?"
"What do you mean?" Kenneth quickly responded. "There fine!"
"Sorry dude, normally after you go for a hike... or a walk.. or, well basically any time your out by yourself you end up coming back with your shorts hanging off you by a thread. You have to be the most unlucky person I know." Brett responded.
"Don't you know anything dude?! Gosh!"
Kenneth stormed off to his room, "Your so insensitive!" He shouted as he slammed the door behind him.
Brett had been saying stupid things like that all morning, he was in the bathroom, the shower more accurately, he'd been in there for about 40 min and Kenneth shuttered as to what he was doing, "I'mmoney baby" What is that, Kenneth asked the TV. The shower finally turned off and Kenneth heard Brett again, he could only assume he was in front of the mirror.
"Oh yeaahh, snap it to a slim Jim." "My gosh I am good looking,Whitbeck will those good looks ever die?"
That was when Kenneth realised what friendship really was. He had never wanted to eat someone so bad.. but he had a high tolerancefor pain and knew he would be totally alone if it wasn't for Brett, he was the only person he could be tot.. well partially honest with even though he remained oblivious to all that Ken had told him. Why else would someone be the same thing EVERY YEAR for Halloween.
"Ok dude I'm off to work, What are you doing today?" Asked Brett as he pulled his hoodie over his head.
"I don't know dude, I'm not feeling very good, a bit sluggish... , I think it might be food poisoning."
"Maybe you just need to go sit on the pot for a while, it usually helps me."
"Wow.. that's.. I don't know what that is.."
Kenneth supposed that Brett was trying to make up for singing its raining men every morning in the shower by saying "strait things." Judging by how thick he was laying it on he was likely to come home with tank tops and hot pants tonight.
Kenneth knew he wasn't lying when he said he felt sluggish and not well but it was more then likely the fact that he hadn't fed since he came back from the mountains. In truth he didn't know why he had stayed in the apartment for so long, It wasn't that he didn't like it, He loved hanging out with Brett and acting like the average 20 something single guy, but for some reason he just felt empty. Maybe it was time to go for a hike.
Kenneth drove north toward Ogden following the familiar curves and hills of the old highway. The weather, though cold was good and the mountains were relatively free of snow, he figured he could still find one or two hikers in the hills outside the city. After making his way through town he parked a couple blocks from the roadway that lead up the divide that spurred two trail heads. He made quick time moving up the canyon not following the the road. He was warm despite the fact that he wore only his cross trainers, a loose fitting pair of sweatshorts and a light t-shirt. It was the blood pumping through him as he raced up the mountain that warmed his body, and the thrill of the upcoming hunt. He decided to head west toward BenLomand, it was a longer and more secluded trail. There were a couple of steep drop offs where a clumsy hiker could easily slip and fall, "Damit!" He said out loud, "I forgot an extra pair of shorts." Kenneth didn't mind being naked, He just didn't know how everyone else would deal with it.
There was a little trick Kenneth had been practicing in the apartment while Brett was at work. He had been doing some research and found out that some werewolves can turn completely to wolf form. He thought to himself that today might be the perfect time to try it if he couldn't find anyone alone.
Sitting in a perch half way up a large tree Kenneth hung his shorts on a branch and surveyed the trail leading toward the high peak. He could see a young woman trotting briskly up the trail, she was fit and had obviously traveled along this trail many times, "Oh this is great, the one time I have to go without pants... oh man she's going to see everything" ...Come on Jeppy, she's not going to see anything, you're going to sneak up behind her and she'll never hear... or see a thing.
*********
After retrieving his shorts from the tree Kenneth made his way back to the car. He ignored the trail and went down the western slope of the mountain, then moved east along the outskirts of town toward the block where he had left his car. He made it to his car just at dusk and ignored the speed limit on his way back to Farmington.
"Hey there you are, woooow you stink.. and your covered in dirt... where have you been?" Asked Brett as Kenneth walked through the door.
"I went for a hike today and I ate it down about half the mountain.. or at least it felt like it." Kenneth lied
"Well what happened to your shorts?"
"What do you mean?" Kenneth quickly responded. "There fine!"
"Sorry dude, normally after you go for a hike... or a walk.. or, well basically any time your out by yourself you end up coming back with your shorts hanging off you by a thread. You have to be the most unlucky person I know." Brett responded.
"Don't you know anything dude?! Gosh!"
Kenneth stormed off to his room, "Your so insensitive!" He shouted as he slammed the door behind him.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2008
"But I thought you didn't like the IUU." Ben said with a suspicious gaze.
"No, no, I uh, think community service is important." Said Brett.
"But you said it felt like being in a slaughter house full of clowns."
"Oh that, well, I just thought Brad was a little weird, thats all."
"Okay." Ben said doubtfully.
"So can I come next week?"
"Sure, yeah."
I've got you now, buwahahaha! You're playing right into my hands you pathetic sap!
"Brett?"
"Hmm?"
"What's with the evil looking, squinty, far off gaze and the ominous giggling?"
Fake a stroke fake a stoke you fool! Quickly, do something!"Seinfeld!" Brett yelled. "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"
"I've got some sales calls to make." Said Ben, turning away with a look of confusion.
That was close. I need to have more quiet time so that doesn't happen again. Maybe a nice bubble bath tonight and a glass of martinellies. I can put in My Best Friends Wedding. That'll be nice.
"No, no, I uh, think community service is important." Said Brett.
"But you said it felt like being in a slaughter house full of clowns."
"Oh that, well, I just thought Brad was a little weird, thats all."
"Okay." Ben said doubtfully.
"So can I come next week?"
"Sure, yeah."
I've got you now, buwahahaha! You're playing right into my hands you pathetic sap!
"Brett?"
"Hmm?"
"What's with the evil looking, squinty, far off gaze and the ominous giggling?"
Fake a stroke fake a stoke you fool! Quickly, do something!"Seinfeld!" Brett yelled. "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"
"I've got some sales calls to make." Said Ben, turning away with a look of confusion.
That was close. I need to have more quiet time so that doesn't happen again. Maybe a nice bubble bath tonight and a glass of martinellies. I can put in My Best Friends Wedding. That'll be nice.
***
Brett and Kenneth sat on the couch watching an E True Hollywood Story on Justin Timberlake.
"He's hot." Said Kenneth
"Oh yeah."
"So, you gonna go with Ben to the next Rainbow Family chant and rant? Ingratiated yourself with him yet?"
“Yeah. I think he’s buying it.”
“No doubt, what with your superb acting talent and all.”
“I’m sorry, we all can’t be emeritus stars of the wildly popular Merchant of Venice at the very prestigious Washington Terrace Plaza Playhouse.”
Kenneth let out a guttural growl.
“Forgive me, Signor Antonio.”
“I hate you.” Said Kenneth.
“Oh stop pouting. I only tease because I love you. Friends?”
“Forever.” Kenneth said with a lopsided grin breaking on his face.”
“Ah, you’re so cute. Do you want to order a pizza?”
“As long as it’s cheese, or something. I’m a vegetarian.”
“Since when?”
“Yesterday. I just been thinking about it for a while. And Oprah said it's good for your health.”
"But, you love meat.”
Kenneth’s face fell. His eyes were sad. “I know.” He said.
"Okay. Well, your father and I will love you no matter what you decide to do, honey.”
“Please don’t joke about it.”
“Okay. Sorry dude.”
“It’s okay.”
Brett wondered why Kenneth had decided to be vegetarian. He always loved steak with a passion that ran as deep as Brett’s love for Abba. It was odd because Kenneth seemed unresigned to the decision, almost like it was forced upon him. Brett didn’t think too long on it though. He had bigger concerns on his mind. He would very soon be surrounded by Sunshine Generation, all grown up with unstable religious notions. I’ve got to go all the way to the top and bring this thing down hard. Religious psychotics always have a leader. That’s what sucks them in, weak individuality. They have to be a part of something bigger, something that gives them structure. Just like Trekkies and their Klingon conventions. There ain’t a one of em who wouldn’t fall on their phaser at the behest of Patrick Stewart.
Trekkies.
Pshh.
Just like those freakin carnies with their secret meetings and enclaves. With their smelly tents and bearded women. Bearded, WOMAN! There’s only ever one… I wonder if they’re the leaders? The ultimate symbol of patriarchy: The beard, on a woman. Complete dominance over both sexes.
Brett put this thought in the Deep Thoughts To Ponder Later file. For now he had to figure out how to get to the top of the organization and shake it up if he wanted to help Ben. He knew logic wouldn’t be enough. Ben was far too weak-minded to listen as long as he had a “leader” that loved him. Brett had to expose the organization.
“Scientologists are weird, no doubt.” Said Kenneth. “But they are more of a credit card religion and less of a suicide cult. Are you sure the do-gooders of the IUU are dangerous? Ben might just being going through another phase. Didn’t he join the World Financial Group for a while? I’m sure he’ll just lose interest in a couple of weeks.”
“This is different. Ben believes in it.”
“He also believed he could be a financial planner without proper education. I think your infiltrate-and-destroy modus operandi is a little overboard.”
“You didn’t meet Brad. That guy was like mannequin with a smooth talking Tickle-Me Elmo voice box inside. Or like he was possessed by a legion of dead car salesmen… And... Barack Obama. He was like a charismatic zombie or something. Brad… I hate that guy.”
“Alright Brett. Duj tivoqtaH.”
“What?”
“Always trust your instincts. If there’s one thing I learned from the Klingons, it was that.”
“…”
Oh geez, I better keep Kenneth away from Ben before he goes Charlie Manson on me too. This is gonna be harder than I thought.
"He's hot." Said Kenneth
"Oh yeah."
"So, you gonna go with Ben to the next Rainbow Family chant and rant? Ingratiated yourself with him yet?"
“Yeah. I think he’s buying it.”
“No doubt, what with your superb acting talent and all.”
“I’m sorry, we all can’t be emeritus stars of the wildly popular Merchant of Venice at the very prestigious Washington Terrace Plaza Playhouse.”
Kenneth let out a guttural growl.
“Forgive me, Signor Antonio.”
“I hate you.” Said Kenneth.
“Oh stop pouting. I only tease because I love you. Friends?”
“Forever.” Kenneth said with a lopsided grin breaking on his face.”
“Ah, you’re so cute. Do you want to order a pizza?”
“As long as it’s cheese, or something. I’m a vegetarian.”
“Since when?”
“Yesterday. I just been thinking about it for a while. And Oprah said it's good for your health.”
"But, you love meat.”
Kenneth’s face fell. His eyes were sad. “I know.” He said.
"Okay. Well, your father and I will love you no matter what you decide to do, honey.”
“Please don’t joke about it.”
“Okay. Sorry dude.”
“It’s okay.”
Brett wondered why Kenneth had decided to be vegetarian. He always loved steak with a passion that ran as deep as Brett’s love for Abba. It was odd because Kenneth seemed unresigned to the decision, almost like it was forced upon him. Brett didn’t think too long on it though. He had bigger concerns on his mind. He would very soon be surrounded by Sunshine Generation, all grown up with unstable religious notions. I’ve got to go all the way to the top and bring this thing down hard. Religious psychotics always have a leader. That’s what sucks them in, weak individuality. They have to be a part of something bigger, something that gives them structure. Just like Trekkies and their Klingon conventions. There ain’t a one of em who wouldn’t fall on their phaser at the behest of Patrick Stewart.
Trekkies.
Pshh.
Just like those freakin carnies with their secret meetings and enclaves. With their smelly tents and bearded women. Bearded, WOMAN! There’s only ever one… I wonder if they’re the leaders? The ultimate symbol of patriarchy: The beard, on a woman. Complete dominance over both sexes.
Brett put this thought in the Deep Thoughts To Ponder Later file. For now he had to figure out how to get to the top of the organization and shake it up if he wanted to help Ben. He knew logic wouldn’t be enough. Ben was far too weak-minded to listen as long as he had a “leader” that loved him. Brett had to expose the organization.
“Scientologists are weird, no doubt.” Said Kenneth. “But they are more of a credit card religion and less of a suicide cult. Are you sure the do-gooders of the IUU are dangerous? Ben might just being going through another phase. Didn’t he join the World Financial Group for a while? I’m sure he’ll just lose interest in a couple of weeks.”
“This is different. Ben believes in it.”
“He also believed he could be a financial planner without proper education. I think your infiltrate-and-destroy modus operandi is a little overboard.”
“You didn’t meet Brad. That guy was like mannequin with a smooth talking Tickle-Me Elmo voice box inside. Or like he was possessed by a legion of dead car salesmen… And... Barack Obama. He was like a charismatic zombie or something. Brad… I hate that guy.”
“Alright Brett. Duj tivoqtaH.”
“What?”
“Always trust your instincts. If there’s one thing I learned from the Klingons, it was that.”
“…”
Oh geez, I better keep Kenneth away from Ben before he goes Charlie Manson on me too. This is gonna be harder than I thought.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2008
Brett sat on his lawn chair, balancing precariously near the apex of the roof. The resplendent glory of the morning, the pre-dawn light from behind the mountains, the cacaphony of the birds in the trees, was only dimmed by the foreboding storm clouds, moving in swiftly from the east. The day would be cold and wet. Brett was not looking forward to getting the tank cars unloaded in the rain. For now, Brett just enjoyed feeling smelling the fresh morning air.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you tonight?" Kenneth asked.
"DAH!" Brett yelped as his chair keeled backwards. Kenneth's hand swiftly shot out and grabbed Brett's shirt before he could fully fall out of the chair.
"Geez man, why so jumpy?" Kenneth asked.
"How the hell did you get up here, you potbellied lurp?"
"I climbed. There's no need to be mean."
"You almost split my melon open. How do you think I should feel?"
"The only reason you should ever raise your voice is if there's a fire."
"That's only with your wife, and we aren't married. Domestic partners, yes. Married, no."
Kenneth lifted an eye brow. "I think I should come with you tonight, if it's a cult, I want to back you up."
"Not a chance roadkill breath. This is a one man infiltration op."
"Alright. Fine, have fun Mr. Bourne."
"Go take a shower. You smell terrible. Try using tomato juice."
"I seriously hate you."
Brett sat in Ben's car trying to seem excited and happy. "I've just been thinking alot lately about my life, you know? Like, what is my purpose here, to just go to work and come home and go to work and come home until I'm dead? I think some community service is just what I need."
"Ya know Brett, the Unifiers is more than just a community service. It teaches you how to have a better life."
"Really? How?" Brett said, trying to acted surprised and interested.
"Oh, well, right now I am being audited to help me move out of pre-clear. I am learning about survival in the eight dynamics. You know, I'm crossing the bridge, getting rid of my engrams. The org is totally cool."
Brett tried to keep his face placid as he faked an interested smile. It must not have worked very well. Because Ben hurriedly continued."It's all pretty simple really, you'll see."
"Yeah sure, cool."
Ben and Brett were soon entering the doors of the Layton Community Center. A wave of revulsion washed over Brett as he saw Brad approaching with that vacant look and fake smile on his face.
"Hey gang! Good to see you here. Hi Brett, how've you been?"
Oh crap, he knows my name! "Oh, good Brad, good, you?" Don't show the teeth Brett, it's a sign of aggression.
"Great! So, Ben have you heard the good news?"
"No, what's that?"
"You're getting inducted to the inner circle tonight!"
"Oh wow! You're kidding! That's great. I've really been working hard for this."
"And we've been watching you, you're going places. You'll be an operating Thetan in no time!"
Brett felt his muscular buttocks clench tightly. Something was very wrong here.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you tonight?" Kenneth asked.
"DAH!" Brett yelped as his chair keeled backwards. Kenneth's hand swiftly shot out and grabbed Brett's shirt before he could fully fall out of the chair.
"Geez man, why so jumpy?" Kenneth asked.
"How the hell did you get up here, you potbellied lurp?"
"I climbed. There's no need to be mean."
"You almost split my melon open. How do you think I should feel?"
"The only reason you should ever raise your voice is if there's a fire."
"That's only with your wife, and we aren't married. Domestic partners, yes. Married, no."
Kenneth lifted an eye brow. "I think I should come with you tonight, if it's a cult, I want to back you up."
"Not a chance roadkill breath. This is a one man infiltration op."
"Alright. Fine, have fun Mr. Bourne."
"Go take a shower. You smell terrible. Try using tomato juice."
"I seriously hate you."
Brett sat in Ben's car trying to seem excited and happy. "I've just been thinking alot lately about my life, you know? Like, what is my purpose here, to just go to work and come home and go to work and come home until I'm dead? I think some community service is just what I need."
"Ya know Brett, the Unifiers is more than just a community service. It teaches you how to have a better life."
"Really? How?" Brett said, trying to acted surprised and interested.
"Oh, well, right now I am being audited to help me move out of pre-clear. I am learning about survival in the eight dynamics. You know, I'm crossing the bridge, getting rid of my engrams. The org is totally cool."
Brett tried to keep his face placid as he faked an interested smile. It must not have worked very well. Because Ben hurriedly continued."It's all pretty simple really, you'll see."
"Yeah sure, cool."
Ben and Brett were soon entering the doors of the Layton Community Center. A wave of revulsion washed over Brett as he saw Brad approaching with that vacant look and fake smile on his face.
"Hey gang! Good to see you here. Hi Brett, how've you been?"
Oh crap, he knows my name! "Oh, good Brad, good, you?" Don't show the teeth Brett, it's a sign of aggression.
"Great! So, Ben have you heard the good news?"
"No, what's that?"
"You're getting inducted to the inner circle tonight!"
"Oh wow! You're kidding! That's great. I've really been working hard for this."
"And we've been watching you, you're going places. You'll be an operating Thetan in no time!"
Brett felt his muscular buttocks clench tightly. Something was very wrong here.
***
Oh man. I feel like I need a shower after that. I don't know how long I can keep up this shar-rod... Shuh-rod? char-ade? ...Act... What was with that inner circle talk? And all that creepy exclusionary technical jargon! Brett unlocked the door and stepped into the front room to find Kenneth on the phone.
"Yeah, okay. But did you get the PPI set up for the EQP? Yeah, yeah, no doubt. Well, the new member meeting should take care of that! Ha! We'll have em tripping over chickens in no time! Yeah, okay well, I'll see you at the PEC. Hey, don't forget the manuals, I don't want another extemperaneous talk on blood atonement. Okay. Bye."
Brett paused in mid step. Oh crap! I've got my work cut out for me.
Brett came home to work to find Kenneth sacked out on the sofa watching old re runs of "The Bob Newhart Show."
"Dude, are you serious, Bob Newhart?"
"I've been watching this so long I cant actually even see right now" Kenneth replied.
"Is this the one with the neighbor that's the pilot?"
"Dude, that's I dream of Jeannie"
"You just don't care about anything any more do you." Brett chastised.
With that Kenneth had had enough, and... decided to just sit there and take some more...
"Well skezzy, whats got you so down?" Brett asked, changing the subject.
"I'm just really upset about things with Ashley, last night she wouldn't stop trying to take her clothes off and when I stopped her the last time she told me, and I quote. "Kenneth, quit being such a gay"
"Wow, dude, that's ruff, how are you feeling about that right now?"
"F'ed up that's how I'm feeling, and this Newhart Communist crap is only making it worse."
"Ok then I'll just be jumping in the shower now..."
"You cant trick me," Kenneth yelled. "I'm not coming in there after you!"
Minutes later Kenneth was standing in the kitchen listening to Brett sing a number of songs from White Christmas from the shower. "Brett" he whispered to himself, sometimes you make me hurt inside." Kenneth wished he could just come out and tell Brett he was a Werewolf. He sometimes wished the transformation was more obvious, ...like when Vampires.... Kenneth thought to himself.... they turn into those disgusting creatures.. wings.. seriously, 1790 called, they want there stereotype back. "Gosh!, why am I only funny when no one else is around!"
Kenneth had actually been in his werewolf form several times when Brett came home from work, probably the only reason he didn't say anything was because Kenneth has covered his torn pants with a blanket just before the door opened.
"Brett!" Kenneth yelled down the hall.
"Yeah?" He heard coming from the bathroom.
"Remind me to tell you something funny when you get out."
"How funny is it?" Brett yelled back, "Should I get out now?"
"UHH, no.. no I guess you should just finish up there and I'll tell you later." Kenneth replied.
"Ok, not that funny hu.. don't forget though!"
Brett had been acting extra nice since Kenneth saved him just before he fell of the roof. Maybe those Unifier Meetings were starting to get to him. They say that when someone does undercover work for to long they start to become the character they create.. maybe that'swhy Brett was singing so much in the shower lately..
"Dude, are you serious, Bob Newhart?"
"I've been watching this so long I cant actually even see right now" Kenneth replied.
"Is this the one with the neighbor that's the pilot?"
"Dude, that's I dream of Jeannie"
"You just don't care about anything any more do you." Brett chastised.
With that Kenneth had had enough, and... decided to just sit there and take some more...
"Well skezzy, whats got you so down?" Brett asked, changing the subject.
"I'm just really upset about things with Ashley, last night she wouldn't stop trying to take her clothes off and when I stopped her the last time she told me, and I quote. "Kenneth, quit being such a gay"
"Wow, dude, that's ruff, how are you feeling about that right now?"
"F'ed up that's how I'm feeling, and this Newhart Communist crap is only making it worse."
"Ok then I'll just be jumping in the shower now..."
"You cant trick me," Kenneth yelled. "I'm not coming in there after you!"
Minutes later Kenneth was standing in the kitchen listening to Brett sing a number of songs from White Christmas from the shower. "Brett" he whispered to himself, sometimes you make me hurt inside." Kenneth wished he could just come out and tell Brett he was a Werewolf. He sometimes wished the transformation was more obvious, ...like when Vampires.... Kenneth thought to himself.... they turn into those disgusting creatures.. wings.. seriously, 1790 called, they want there stereotype back. "Gosh!, why am I only funny when no one else is around!"
Kenneth had actually been in his werewolf form several times when Brett came home from work, probably the only reason he didn't say anything was because Kenneth has covered his torn pants with a blanket just before the door opened.
"Brett!" Kenneth yelled down the hall.
"Yeah?" He heard coming from the bathroom.
"Remind me to tell you something funny when you get out."
"How funny is it?" Brett yelled back, "Should I get out now?"
"UHH, no.. no I guess you should just finish up there and I'll tell you later." Kenneth replied.
"Ok, not that funny hu.. don't forget though!"
Brett had been acting extra nice since Kenneth saved him just before he fell of the roof. Maybe those Unifier Meetings were starting to get to him. They say that when someone does undercover work for to long they start to become the character they create.. maybe that'swhy Brett was singing so much in the shower lately..
MONDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2008
Kenneth crouched in the damp earth. He could smell every distinct odor in the soil. The smells of decay had a sort of hopeful scent to them. In the death, the life was teeming. It was all a big circle.
Just like Mufasa always taught us.
With his heightened senses, Kenneth could make out individual voices conversing quietly by the camp fire. They were still more than 200 yards away. Kenneth had already run the perimeter with deadly stealth. He had counted 37 people there. Kenneth liked hunting up here in the mountains. It was bear country after all, and occasionally, a camper would just disappear. Tragically, Search and Rescue would find only shredded bloody clothing and back pack bits. And with all the hikers, people were bound to get lost... But Kenneth had not come up here to hunt tonight though.
I'm just keeping up my tracking skills. It's okay, if I see any human meat pies, I'll just practice stalking. No eating. I'm cool, I'm cool. Besides, I'm full. The new leaf has been turned. Tofu for me from here on out.
"You have an amazing capacity for self-deception."
Thank you Madam President.
Kenneth hated when his brain backsassed him, especially with Battlestar Galactica quotes.
If only we could take this rationalization and channel the energy into werewolfing, you could be on the board of the DWB chapter by now.
Kenneth almost started to argue about how social prestige didn't matter to him, but then decided not to give that smarmy prick the satisfaction. Kenneth turned his attention back to the social gathering. He had seen plenty of drunken frat parties up here, but this was different. What was with the robes? Kenneth wished he had arrived earlier, there was an impromptu stage set up and folding chairs scattered around. There was an air of relaxed informality about the people which seemed to indicate that the official festivities were at an end. These people smelled... wrong. With only the stirring of the air to betray his presence, Kenneth moved closer.
Something is so odd about this gathering.
Oh, you mean besides the culty robes?
Shut up brain.
You shut up.
"Smart ass." Kenneth muttered under his breath. As he approached closer, he could see someone lying on the ground in the midst of everyone. Was he just passed out drunk? He seemed to be lying on some sort of round blanket. It looked like some sort of emblem. Kenneth was now within a hundred feet. Everyone else was alert, and few had any bottles in their hands.
Not drunk then. Hmm.
Wull gall professor, how'd ya figure?
NOT ANOTHER WORD!
Something in the back of Kenneth's mind nagged at him. Something was out of place here at Satan's kegger. The wind suddenly shifted and Kenneth was overwhelmed at the sweet scent of human blood.
Mmm. That would be so good with some eggnog!
Stop tempting me.
Oh yes, the nutmeg would be the perfect accent!
With the smell of blood filling his mind, the subconscious nagging thought jumped to center stage of his mind.
Spoons!
Almost every one of the people there were holding a spoon. Kenneth circled the camp trying to see the man on the ground more clearly.
His head is... off?
The top of the mans head was sitting next to his body and his skull was emptied out like a jackolantern.
Lords of Kobol!
The mans brains had been completely scooped out!
"Eww." Kenneth said out loud. He hurriedly slapped his hands to his mouth. But it was too late. One of the culties looked in his direction. Kenneth froze in place.
Why am I standing up? Oh crap. He sees me.
The cultie was now moving toward Kenneth with purpose and was being flanked by three of his cohorts. Each one carried their spoon. Kenneth swallowed.
"Gulp!"
Bad men! Let’s get out of here!
I heard that!
Don’t let them eat me!
Kenneth turned to run, his rock hard lupine muscles forcefully contracted causing him to explode from where he was standing. Kenneth was now no more than a blur. His werewolf hubris caused him confusion when he suddenly found himself on his face, convulsing in pain. His body felt like it was on fire. The barbs from the Taser were firmly lodged in his right butt cheek.
“Owwie!” was the last thing Kenneth spit out through his clenched jaw before he lost consciousness. When he woke up, he was staring at the stars and his arms were being held down. He had only been out for a couple of seconds. The wrong smelling men were trying to tie his hands. Rage boiled up inside of him and he could feel his pants beginning to tear. A primal growl bubbled up from his core into a deafening snarl. It was apparent from the smell that the culties had poor bladder control. There were a couple of clipped screams choked out before the thrashing blur stilled them. There was some futile gurgling and twitching, and then only silence.
Just like Mufasa always taught us.
With his heightened senses, Kenneth could make out individual voices conversing quietly by the camp fire. They were still more than 200 yards away. Kenneth had already run the perimeter with deadly stealth. He had counted 37 people there. Kenneth liked hunting up here in the mountains. It was bear country after all, and occasionally, a camper would just disappear. Tragically, Search and Rescue would find only shredded bloody clothing and back pack bits. And with all the hikers, people were bound to get lost... But Kenneth had not come up here to hunt tonight though.
I'm just keeping up my tracking skills. It's okay, if I see any human meat pies, I'll just practice stalking. No eating. I'm cool, I'm cool. Besides, I'm full. The new leaf has been turned. Tofu for me from here on out.
"You have an amazing capacity for self-deception."
Thank you Madam President.
Kenneth hated when his brain backsassed him, especially with Battlestar Galactica quotes.
If only we could take this rationalization and channel the energy into werewolfing, you could be on the board of the DWB chapter by now.
Kenneth almost started to argue about how social prestige didn't matter to him, but then decided not to give that smarmy prick the satisfaction. Kenneth turned his attention back to the social gathering. He had seen plenty of drunken frat parties up here, but this was different. What was with the robes? Kenneth wished he had arrived earlier, there was an impromptu stage set up and folding chairs scattered around. There was an air of relaxed informality about the people which seemed to indicate that the official festivities were at an end. These people smelled... wrong. With only the stirring of the air to betray his presence, Kenneth moved closer.
Something is so odd about this gathering.
Oh, you mean besides the culty robes?
Shut up brain.
You shut up.
"Smart ass." Kenneth muttered under his breath. As he approached closer, he could see someone lying on the ground in the midst of everyone. Was he just passed out drunk? He seemed to be lying on some sort of round blanket. It looked like some sort of emblem. Kenneth was now within a hundred feet. Everyone else was alert, and few had any bottles in their hands.
Not drunk then. Hmm.
Wull gall professor, how'd ya figure?
NOT ANOTHER WORD!
Something in the back of Kenneth's mind nagged at him. Something was out of place here at Satan's kegger. The wind suddenly shifted and Kenneth was overwhelmed at the sweet scent of human blood.
Mmm. That would be so good with some eggnog!
Stop tempting me.
Oh yes, the nutmeg would be the perfect accent!
With the smell of blood filling his mind, the subconscious nagging thought jumped to center stage of his mind.
Spoons!
Almost every one of the people there were holding a spoon. Kenneth circled the camp trying to see the man on the ground more clearly.
His head is... off?
The top of the mans head was sitting next to his body and his skull was emptied out like a jackolantern.
Lords of Kobol!
The mans brains had been completely scooped out!
"Eww." Kenneth said out loud. He hurriedly slapped his hands to his mouth. But it was too late. One of the culties looked in his direction. Kenneth froze in place.
Why am I standing up? Oh crap. He sees me.
The cultie was now moving toward Kenneth with purpose and was being flanked by three of his cohorts. Each one carried their spoon. Kenneth swallowed.
"Gulp!"
Bad men! Let’s get out of here!
I heard that!
Don’t let them eat me!
Kenneth turned to run, his rock hard lupine muscles forcefully contracted causing him to explode from where he was standing. Kenneth was now no more than a blur. His werewolf hubris caused him confusion when he suddenly found himself on his face, convulsing in pain. His body felt like it was on fire. The barbs from the Taser were firmly lodged in his right butt cheek.
“Owwie!” was the last thing Kenneth spit out through his clenched jaw before he lost consciousness. When he woke up, he was staring at the stars and his arms were being held down. He had only been out for a couple of seconds. The wrong smelling men were trying to tie his hands. Rage boiled up inside of him and he could feel his pants beginning to tear. A primal growl bubbled up from his core into a deafening snarl. It was apparent from the smell that the culties had poor bladder control. There were a couple of clipped screams choked out before the thrashing blur stilled them. There was some futile gurgling and twitching, and then only silence.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2008
"Maybe Russia," Kenneth replied.
"Kenneth, what have I told you about being so spineless." Ashleyresponded. "We aren't breaking up ok, and you cant make me think you moved away ok. Stop being such a baby. You know I'm hot and you cant do any better then me so just give up."
With that Kenneth stepped out of the Range Rover and moved toward the stairs that lead to the front door of the apartment. "I'm sick of taking her crap," "I'm just so powerless, its all I can do to even disagree with her." He said, as Brett stepped out of his Toyota and they met at the stairs.
"Dude, I don't have time to talk feelings right now you gay!" Brett lashed out, "Look at this!" He added, handing Kenneth the paper."
"Oh wow.. Those poor poor Unifires" Kenneth said half heartedadding, "I'm just glad Ben wasn't there that night."
"How can you tell? this picture is just an illustration of the woods with a menacing campfire and horrifying shadows..." Brett replied.
"Uh... he called for you? or... I saw him.. driving, in his car." Kenneth said nervously pulling at a collar that wasn't there.
"What are you doing with your hand?" Brett asked.
"Uh.. Allergies."
They walked into the apartment and Kenneth threw the paper on the table and opened the fridge.
"Let me guess, another bear attack, no witnesses?"
"Ohh no, there was one guy left alive."
"No there wa.. er, oh really?" Kenneth replied
"Hu? No, this guy crawled to the trail head and was found after this beast half ripped his leg off and broke his neck."
"If his neck was broken how did he crawl?"
"Dude, I'm just telling you what I heard ok! The guy had a brokenpelvis or something, whatever. Point is, he was able to give a description before he went into the coma or died or something." Brett said in near hysterics.
"Really, well what did he say, it was a bear?" Kenneth asked
"Drop the Bear story dude, he said it was.. well like a dude, only bigger and muscles and thicker hair and like a wolverine hair cut with a full beard and fangs and claws or something."
"Well that's quite the description" Kenneth said, acting disinterested.
"Oh but that's not all, They said his pants were ripped.. is that weird, that a monster would wear pants?"
"Who said anything about him being a monster!"
Kenneth was getting defensive..
.. ok jeppy, just cool down now. lets take it easy... that's it get the nestle out.. mmmm strawberry milk your favorite....
"Anyway, I just don't think we should go camping this weekend like we planned." said Brett.
"We're going camping this weekend?"
"Oh I forgot to ask you, do you want to go camping this weekend?"
"Uh, sure." answered Kenneth with the first hint of excitement Brett had heard on his voice in a long time.
"I think we should lay off till this monster deal cools off."
"Wait." replied Kenneth, "Are we going camping or not?"
"Didn't we just go over this?"
Kenneth retired to his room to go to bed. It was about 11 and he was trying to get on a bit more human sleeping schedule, and he had decided to pack a bag in case they were going camping.
AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
That's odd, Kenneth's brain clicked on. That squirrel is freaking out.
AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Hmm, there it is again. Wait, that squirrel sounds just like Brett. wait... is his girlfriend over? Better wake up and check it out...
Kenneth opened his eyes, and quietly sliding out of his room he headed for Bretts.
*cough*
Kenneth's nose as filled with a terrible smell. He new instantly it was a Lycan. He took a deep breath and threw his body against the door, it gave way and he crashed through, quickly landing on his feet facingBrett and his attacker. Brett was covered with blood and it was obvious his leg was broken. he had a long gash in his shirt and his chest was bleeding.
"Leave now!, this human is mine!" Kenneth growled through his fangs
The Lycan turned, his eyes red. He rushed for Kenneth who meet him head on, one hand squeezing the Lycans neck and edging it back slightly, just enough for Kenneth to avoid the attackers teeth. He swiftly gripped the creatures belt and with all his might, drove the Wolf back and through the open window he had obviously used as anentrance. Together they crashed on the grass two stories below the window, Kenneth had the advantage and began slashing at his opponents midsection. In an instant Kenneth was thrown back across the lawn and in the seconds it took I'm to regain his balance he was being rushed. Quickly he side stepped the attacker and wrapping is large hands around the beasts head, with a quick jerk the battle was over.
Kenneths mind raced, Brett was very well dieing and yet, he had to do something with the body. Brett climbed to the bedroom window and looked down at Brett from over the bed. He swiftly pulled the sheets from under him and rapped him tightly. Afterword he ran to the kitchen and called 911, reported in broken Spanish that there was an attack in the trails behind the apartments and carried Brett toward the trail head. As he dropped him he could hear the ambulance approaching. He returned to the lawn outside the apartment and carried the body into the mountains. He would have to dispose of it before daylight, then clean up the apartment. There was no telling how long Brett would be in the hospital before they let him out.
"Kenneth, what have I told you about being so spineless." Ashleyresponded. "We aren't breaking up ok, and you cant make me think you moved away ok. Stop being such a baby. You know I'm hot and you cant do any better then me so just give up."
With that Kenneth stepped out of the Range Rover and moved toward the stairs that lead to the front door of the apartment. "I'm sick of taking her crap," "I'm just so powerless, its all I can do to even disagree with her." He said, as Brett stepped out of his Toyota and they met at the stairs.
"Dude, I don't have time to talk feelings right now you gay!" Brett lashed out, "Look at this!" He added, handing Kenneth the paper."
"Oh wow.. Those poor poor Unifires" Kenneth said half heartedadding, "I'm just glad Ben wasn't there that night."
"How can you tell? this picture is just an illustration of the woods with a menacing campfire and horrifying shadows..." Brett replied.
"Uh... he called for you? or... I saw him.. driving, in his car." Kenneth said nervously pulling at a collar that wasn't there.
"What are you doing with your hand?" Brett asked.
"Uh.. Allergies."
They walked into the apartment and Kenneth threw the paper on the table and opened the fridge.
"Let me guess, another bear attack, no witnesses?"
"Ohh no, there was one guy left alive."
"No there wa.. er, oh really?" Kenneth replied
"Hu? No, this guy crawled to the trail head and was found after this beast half ripped his leg off and broke his neck."
"If his neck was broken how did he crawl?"
"Dude, I'm just telling you what I heard ok! The guy had a brokenpelvis or something, whatever. Point is, he was able to give a description before he went into the coma or died or something." Brett said in near hysterics.
"Really, well what did he say, it was a bear?" Kenneth asked
"Drop the Bear story dude, he said it was.. well like a dude, only bigger and muscles and thicker hair and like a wolverine hair cut with a full beard and fangs and claws or something."
"Well that's quite the description" Kenneth said, acting disinterested.
"Oh but that's not all, They said his pants were ripped.. is that weird, that a monster would wear pants?"
"Who said anything about him being a monster!"
Kenneth was getting defensive..
.. ok jeppy, just cool down now. lets take it easy... that's it get the nestle out.. mmmm strawberry milk your favorite....
"Anyway, I just don't think we should go camping this weekend like we planned." said Brett.
"We're going camping this weekend?"
"Oh I forgot to ask you, do you want to go camping this weekend?"
"Uh, sure." answered Kenneth with the first hint of excitement Brett had heard on his voice in a long time.
"I think we should lay off till this monster deal cools off."
"Wait." replied Kenneth, "Are we going camping or not?"
"Didn't we just go over this?"
Kenneth retired to his room to go to bed. It was about 11 and he was trying to get on a bit more human sleeping schedule, and he had decided to pack a bag in case they were going camping.
AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
That's odd, Kenneth's brain clicked on. That squirrel is freaking out.
AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Hmm, there it is again. Wait, that squirrel sounds just like Brett. wait... is his girlfriend over? Better wake up and check it out...
Kenneth opened his eyes, and quietly sliding out of his room he headed for Bretts.
*cough*
Kenneth's nose as filled with a terrible smell. He new instantly it was a Lycan. He took a deep breath and threw his body against the door, it gave way and he crashed through, quickly landing on his feet facingBrett and his attacker. Brett was covered with blood and it was obvious his leg was broken. he had a long gash in his shirt and his chest was bleeding.
"Leave now!, this human is mine!" Kenneth growled through his fangs
The Lycan turned, his eyes red. He rushed for Kenneth who meet him head on, one hand squeezing the Lycans neck and edging it back slightly, just enough for Kenneth to avoid the attackers teeth. He swiftly gripped the creatures belt and with all his might, drove the Wolf back and through the open window he had obviously used as anentrance. Together they crashed on the grass two stories below the window, Kenneth had the advantage and began slashing at his opponents midsection. In an instant Kenneth was thrown back across the lawn and in the seconds it took I'm to regain his balance he was being rushed. Quickly he side stepped the attacker and wrapping is large hands around the beasts head, with a quick jerk the battle was over.
Kenneths mind raced, Brett was very well dieing and yet, he had to do something with the body. Brett climbed to the bedroom window and looked down at Brett from over the bed. He swiftly pulled the sheets from under him and rapped him tightly. Afterword he ran to the kitchen and called 911, reported in broken Spanish that there was an attack in the trails behind the apartments and carried Brett toward the trail head. As he dropped him he could hear the ambulance approaching. He returned to the lawn outside the apartment and carried the body into the mountains. He would have to dispose of it before daylight, then clean up the apartment. There was no telling how long Brett would be in the hospital before they let him out.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2008
Brett felt out of place. Something was different. As the foggy haze of sleep struggled to hold him, consciousness of the wrongness he felt won out. Brett struggled to open his eyes. The harsh morning rays beat against his eyelids, as if to force him to lie still. Pain. Yes, that was it. He felt like he was bruised all over. His leg throbbed and he wondered why. His eyes finally opened to squinting slits. The ceiling looked wrong, it was tiled. And the smell. It smelled like old people and chemicals. He slowly looked around realized that he was in the hospital. At once fuzzy images flooded his awareness. They were all so fragmented, he had a hard time putting the jumble into order. The loud snap of his leg cracking stood out among them. How had that happened? He saw blurred stars overhead and smelled pine. He was cold and hot at the same time. His leg felt like it was on fire but he couldn't feel his hands and feet. Teeth, terrible sharp teeth gleaming in the darkness. And growling.
"Brett! You're awake! What do you remember?" Kenneth said from the chair by Brett's bed.
"I don... water." Brett choked out of his dry mouth.
"Oh, here." Kenneth put a straw to his lips. The water tasted stale. This couldn't be Evian. Brett only drank Evian bottled water. Blech! I can taste the fluoride in it! If I wanted fluoride, I'd make out with a dental hygienist...
What? Brett's brain asked.
Never mind.
I think you have a concussion.
Brett determined to ignore his brain.
"So dude, how are you feeling?" Kenneth asked.
"Unnh." Brett groaned.
"Some camping trip huh?" Kenneth said.
"Camping?" Brett croaked?
"Yeah," Kenneth said nervously, "I knew we shouldn't have gone hiking in bear country." Kenneth coughed uncomfortably. "Well, the doctor says you're fine. Your leg is set nice and they used some new bone adhesive stuff to help you heal quick."
"Hurts to breathe."
"Well, you've got some good bruises but none of your ribs are cracked. You're gonna be okay. He says we can check you out today, and you get drugs!"
"Gimme!"
"Just press the button right there. It's on tap homie. I'll go get you checked out.
"Thanks Florence." Brett said.
"Huh huh," Kenneth chortled "you better not fall in love with me!"
"Pshh. Yeah, no, no. I was just kidding. Pshh." Brett said hurriedly as sweat beaded on his forehead and his mouth dried out again.
Brett could feel the drugs start to work and he closed his eyes, concentrating on the chemical fuzz. He tried to let the fuzzy warmth cover all his sharp and confusing memories.
***
Hours later, Brett was at home, propped up in bed so he could watch Judge Judy.
"Kenneth! I need more ice water!"
Brett thought he could hear faint growling from the kitchen.
"Nurse maid to the man child." Kenneth grumbled. "I'm a werewolf. I eat people. Geez."
The growl Brett thought he heard from the kitchen made Brett's heart start to race. He was suddenly filled with terror and didn't know quite why. Kenneth walked into the room but paused a beat when he saw Brett's face.
"You look cold man, your face is all pasty. I mean, more than normal. You weren't bit by a vampire were you? Ha, as if. I think you've had enough ice though. Let me get you a blanket."
"No, I'm okay, I just... Never mind." Brett said as he shook his head.
"What's wrong?" Kenneth asked tentatively.
"I think it's just the stress from the attack, I just need to sleep."
"Okay... Well, do you want me to tuck you in?"
"That would be nice."
As Kenneth wondered why he had offered to do the tuck in, the doorbell rang. Visibly relieved, Kenneth moved to the front door a little too quickly. Brett frowned.
Oh phooey.
Fine piece of man! Brett's brain said, like a black woman with attitude.
Brett could hear Kenneth open the door. "Oh, hey... Uh, Ben right? Yeah, he was just about to take a nap, come on in."
Brett could hear Ben's heavy footsteps coming down the hall.
"Hi Brett! How are you?"
"Fair to midland!" Brett said, sounding evermore like a survivor of the great depression.
"What does that mean?" Ben said with a puzzled look on his face.
Ignoring the question, Brett said, "What have you got there?"
Ben double taked and then looked at the rectangular gift wrapped package he held.
"Oh, it's a present I got for you! I heard about the attack of the demon and all."
Attack of the demon! Don't say anything. Just smile and nod like you know what he's talking about.
"You didn't have to do that." Brett said as he tore into the wrapping paper. "Oh, Phenomenon. I always heard that was good."
"Oh, it is!" Ben gushed. "Did you know John Travolta is a member of the Unifiers?"
"No I didn't." Brett said, trying to sound interested. "Something about Travolta has always felt trustworthy. I think it's his chin."
"Oh yeah, he's totally got street cred. He's also the on the Blue Echelon!"
"Oh yeah, right right." Brett said hoping he was sounding enthusiastic. It's like his brain doesn't work right.
"Anyway, the movie is based on his real life experience. You'll love it!"
"Hey Ben," Kenneth interjected, "Brett needs his rest, we better let him get back to sleep."
"Okay, sure." Ben said, looking pouty and dejected.
As the door shut behind Ben, Brett thought he could hear Kenneth muttering, "Angels and ministers of grace defend us. I hope you taste better than you smell. Ugh, powder fresh."
Kenneth reentered the room. "Man! What a fruit cake! Lady Speedstick needs to take a shower and lay off the crazy juice, eh?"
Brett frowned in confusion as the drugs took his consciousness and he slipped away into uncomfortable dreams.
"Brett! You're awake! What do you remember?" Kenneth said from the chair by Brett's bed.
"I don... water." Brett choked out of his dry mouth.
"Oh, here." Kenneth put a straw to his lips. The water tasted stale. This couldn't be Evian. Brett only drank Evian bottled water. Blech! I can taste the fluoride in it! If I wanted fluoride, I'd make out with a dental hygienist...
What? Brett's brain asked.
Never mind.
I think you have a concussion.
Brett determined to ignore his brain.
"So dude, how are you feeling?" Kenneth asked.
"Unnh." Brett groaned.
"Some camping trip huh?" Kenneth said.
"Camping?" Brett croaked?
"Yeah," Kenneth said nervously, "I knew we shouldn't have gone hiking in bear country." Kenneth coughed uncomfortably. "Well, the doctor says you're fine. Your leg is set nice and they used some new bone adhesive stuff to help you heal quick."
"Hurts to breathe."
"Well, you've got some good bruises but none of your ribs are cracked. You're gonna be okay. He says we can check you out today, and you get drugs!"
"Gimme!"
"Just press the button right there. It's on tap homie. I'll go get you checked out.
"Thanks Florence." Brett said.
"Huh huh," Kenneth chortled "you better not fall in love with me!"
"Pshh. Yeah, no, no. I was just kidding. Pshh." Brett said hurriedly as sweat beaded on his forehead and his mouth dried out again.
Brett could feel the drugs start to work and he closed his eyes, concentrating on the chemical fuzz. He tried to let the fuzzy warmth cover all his sharp and confusing memories.
***
Hours later, Brett was at home, propped up in bed so he could watch Judge Judy.
"Kenneth! I need more ice water!"
Brett thought he could hear faint growling from the kitchen.
"Nurse maid to the man child." Kenneth grumbled. "I'm a werewolf. I eat people. Geez."
The growl Brett thought he heard from the kitchen made Brett's heart start to race. He was suddenly filled with terror and didn't know quite why. Kenneth walked into the room but paused a beat when he saw Brett's face.
"You look cold man, your face is all pasty. I mean, more than normal. You weren't bit by a vampire were you? Ha, as if. I think you've had enough ice though. Let me get you a blanket."
"No, I'm okay, I just... Never mind." Brett said as he shook his head.
"What's wrong?" Kenneth asked tentatively.
"I think it's just the stress from the attack, I just need to sleep."
"Okay... Well, do you want me to tuck you in?"
"That would be nice."
As Kenneth wondered why he had offered to do the tuck in, the doorbell rang. Visibly relieved, Kenneth moved to the front door a little too quickly. Brett frowned.
Oh phooey.
Fine piece of man! Brett's brain said, like a black woman with attitude.
Brett could hear Kenneth open the door. "Oh, hey... Uh, Ben right? Yeah, he was just about to take a nap, come on in."
Brett could hear Ben's heavy footsteps coming down the hall.
"Hi Brett! How are you?"
"Fair to midland!" Brett said, sounding evermore like a survivor of the great depression.
"What does that mean?" Ben said with a puzzled look on his face.
Ignoring the question, Brett said, "What have you got there?"
Ben double taked and then looked at the rectangular gift wrapped package he held.
"Oh, it's a present I got for you! I heard about the attack of the demon and all."
Attack of the demon! Don't say anything. Just smile and nod like you know what he's talking about.
"You didn't have to do that." Brett said as he tore into the wrapping paper. "Oh, Phenomenon. I always heard that was good."
"Oh, it is!" Ben gushed. "Did you know John Travolta is a member of the Unifiers?"
"No I didn't." Brett said, trying to sound interested. "Something about Travolta has always felt trustworthy. I think it's his chin."
"Oh yeah, he's totally got street cred. He's also the on the Blue Echelon!"
"Oh yeah, right right." Brett said hoping he was sounding enthusiastic. It's like his brain doesn't work right.
"Anyway, the movie is based on his real life experience. You'll love it!"
"Hey Ben," Kenneth interjected, "Brett needs his rest, we better let him get back to sleep."
"Okay, sure." Ben said, looking pouty and dejected.
As the door shut behind Ben, Brett thought he could hear Kenneth muttering, "Angels and ministers of grace defend us. I hope you taste better than you smell. Ugh, powder fresh."
Kenneth reentered the room. "Man! What a fruit cake! Lady Speedstick needs to take a shower and lay off the crazy juice, eh?"
Brett frowned in confusion as the drugs took his consciousness and he slipped away into uncomfortable dreams.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2008
"Wake up Honey," Ashley cooed, "Come one, I've got your favorite, Strawberry milk and toast."
Brett opened his eyes to a panoramic shot down Ashley's tank top.
"Is this heaven?" He asked himself quietly
"Oh honey you're so cute, its good to have you home from the hospital. Kenneth never responds that well to my chest. It's all. "Babe, put them away, I'm serious" Ashley quoted Kenneth in a low mocking voice.
"And Kenneth tells me not to be such a.." Brett stopped himself realizing that the familiar words were a quote from Ashley to Kenneth in just that situation...
"It's ok, I'll wear him down" She replied with a smile.
"Well I have to run, but I'll check up on you ok?" She smiled walking out of the room.
Moments later Kenneth was walking in to collect the empty dishes.
"How'd you like that?" Kenneth chuckled as he walked in. "Hi yeah, I've got to run to my job at Hooters." Kenneth mocked in a high pitched english accent.
"Uh.. she's not English.. is she? Brett asked winching between the light laughter.
"Yeah yeah whatever.. I'm trying to be a vegetarian and she's walking around like that... I don't know how much longer I can last.." Kenneth said, mostly to himself..
"Well dude I don't know what that means but if its sexual innuendo then I agree. If you dump her can I ask her out? Does she like hybrid cars?
"Well I'm pretty sure she is into hybrids but I don't think she cares about cars and all that."
Kenneth walked out to avoid the question, He still wasn't sure if he was going to tell him, and the way Brett was thinking he probably took that last comment as sexual innuendo. Kenneth of course was referring to his awesomeness as a werewolf. .... Just tell him you twit, he'll remember soon enough anyway and then you'll have to tell him about it..... Kenneth shook the voice out of his head and put the dishes in the sink. It was getting late and he had already decided on going to bed early.
The full moon was high in the sky and shining through the window when Kenneth woke up. Rising mesmerisedly his eyes focused sharply on the full moon the transformation begun and as his shorts ripped he threw his head back howling at the full moon. .... why cant it be like that, he thought looking at himself in the mirror across the room, it would be so much cooler then just pants ripping ... this is bull. He then changed back and changed his shorts. He could hear Brett crying in his sleep from the other room.
"Great" He muttered under his breath. Ashley had obviously not stopped by to check on him... he thought to himself.. though, sometimes she makes me want to cry. Kenneth paused as the thought crossed his mind. Slipping quietly through the door he could see Brett curled up under his blanket, all except his leg which was in a cast and kept straight.
"No wonder you’re crying" Kenneth whispered in a low tone. "That looks horrible."
Kenneth quietly shook Brett's shoulder. "Wake up pookey"
Brett Flinched and screamed grabbing a glass beside his bed smashed it across Kenneth's forehead. There was a large gash and a piece of glass stuck protruding from the wound.
"Brett," he said calmly. "Stop screaming."
"I remember everything." Brett shook "You... it.... you, it....."
"Are you going to kill me?" He asked, still shaking.
"Dude, If I was going to kill you I would have done it that time you about broke my leg kicking me in the shins after I bench pressed the chair you were trying to sleep in... though that was before all this happened to me. Besides, the way my forehead feels you're the one trying to kill me."
That last comment seemed to lighten the mood enough for Brett to keep from passing out.
"Listen" Kenneth said, returning to Brett's room after tending to hisforehead in the bathroom. The creature who attacked you was aLycan. The are an evil string of werewolves. I think they might be Gods to the Unifier's or something.. I could smell them all over Philly Cream Cheese when he was here. I'm not sure what brought him here...
"Dude, werewolfs are not Gods to the Unifiers, More like John Travolta. Duh man duh!"
"Fine, sorry jer"...
"Oh Man!" Brett interrupted, "do you think he was the one that killed them all up in the mountains?"
"uh... yeah.... maybe..."
Brett opened his eyes to a panoramic shot down Ashley's tank top.
"Is this heaven?" He asked himself quietly
"Oh honey you're so cute, its good to have you home from the hospital. Kenneth never responds that well to my chest. It's all. "Babe, put them away, I'm serious" Ashley quoted Kenneth in a low mocking voice.
"And Kenneth tells me not to be such a.." Brett stopped himself realizing that the familiar words were a quote from Ashley to Kenneth in just that situation...
"It's ok, I'll wear him down" She replied with a smile.
"Well I have to run, but I'll check up on you ok?" She smiled walking out of the room.
Moments later Kenneth was walking in to collect the empty dishes.
"How'd you like that?" Kenneth chuckled as he walked in. "Hi yeah, I've got to run to my job at Hooters." Kenneth mocked in a high pitched english accent.
"Uh.. she's not English.. is she? Brett asked winching between the light laughter.
"Yeah yeah whatever.. I'm trying to be a vegetarian and she's walking around like that... I don't know how much longer I can last.." Kenneth said, mostly to himself..
"Well dude I don't know what that means but if its sexual innuendo then I agree. If you dump her can I ask her out? Does she like hybrid cars?
"Well I'm pretty sure she is into hybrids but I don't think she cares about cars and all that."
Kenneth walked out to avoid the question, He still wasn't sure if he was going to tell him, and the way Brett was thinking he probably took that last comment as sexual innuendo. Kenneth of course was referring to his awesomeness as a werewolf. .... Just tell him you twit, he'll remember soon enough anyway and then you'll have to tell him about it..... Kenneth shook the voice out of his head and put the dishes in the sink. It was getting late and he had already decided on going to bed early.
The full moon was high in the sky and shining through the window when Kenneth woke up. Rising mesmerisedly his eyes focused sharply on the full moon the transformation begun and as his shorts ripped he threw his head back howling at the full moon. .... why cant it be like that, he thought looking at himself in the mirror across the room, it would be so much cooler then just pants ripping ... this is bull. He then changed back and changed his shorts. He could hear Brett crying in his sleep from the other room.
"Great" He muttered under his breath. Ashley had obviously not stopped by to check on him... he thought to himself.. though, sometimes she makes me want to cry. Kenneth paused as the thought crossed his mind. Slipping quietly through the door he could see Brett curled up under his blanket, all except his leg which was in a cast and kept straight.
"No wonder you’re crying" Kenneth whispered in a low tone. "That looks horrible."
Kenneth quietly shook Brett's shoulder. "Wake up pookey"
Brett Flinched and screamed grabbing a glass beside his bed smashed it across Kenneth's forehead. There was a large gash and a piece of glass stuck protruding from the wound.
"Brett," he said calmly. "Stop screaming."
"I remember everything." Brett shook "You... it.... you, it....."
"Are you going to kill me?" He asked, still shaking.
"Dude, If I was going to kill you I would have done it that time you about broke my leg kicking me in the shins after I bench pressed the chair you were trying to sleep in... though that was before all this happened to me. Besides, the way my forehead feels you're the one trying to kill me."
That last comment seemed to lighten the mood enough for Brett to keep from passing out.
"Listen" Kenneth said, returning to Brett's room after tending to hisforehead in the bathroom. The creature who attacked you was aLycan. The are an evil string of werewolves. I think they might be Gods to the Unifier's or something.. I could smell them all over Philly Cream Cheese when he was here. I'm not sure what brought him here...
"Dude, werewolfs are not Gods to the Unifiers, More like John Travolta. Duh man duh!"
"Fine, sorry jer"...
"Oh Man!" Brett interrupted, "do you think he was the one that killed them all up in the mountains?"
"uh... yeah.... maybe..."
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2008
"I'm money baby, big time record producer, I get you in. I own it. I own it." Brett mumbled.
"Brett. Brett!" Kenneth said. "Wake up beef patty."
"What?" Brett said coming to consciousness.
"You were having that stupid dream again."
"Why do you always crush my hopes, you jerk?" Brett asked sleepily with a scowl scrunching up his face.
"Brett, you listen to Motley Crew. You listen to Alice in Chains. You don't even listen to the radio, how do you expect to be a record producer?"
"Look. I... You know what, I don't have to justify myself to you."
"Alright, I'm sorry okay? It's time for your antibiotics, are you hungry?"
"Yes." Brett said a little pouty.
"Do you want an omlet?"
Brett nodded sullenly, shooting out his bottom lip a little.
"With ham."
"I know buddy, I know." Geez, what a wiener. Kenneth thought.
Kenneth left the room to let Brett sulk.
Stupid Kenneth. Thinks he knows everything. He's just a glorified rock salesman.
Couldn't even hold down a job at Arby's. Brett's brain quipped.
Pshh. Yeah, not a "team player."
Don't listen to him. You ARE big time.
Yeah.
Brett tried to shrug off his bad mood and shift his thoughts to more important things. He had to figure out how to take down the Unifiers. He knew with Ben's weak minded pliability, the cult had him deep by now. Brett would have to infiltrate them from the top down. But how would he find the time?
How many days of vacation do I have left?
You and Ashley could go on vacation...
Mmm. Yeah, maybe Rome. Or just a nude beach... No, no! Stop distracting me. I need to think.
Brett's thoughts slowly slipped back to Ashley, beaches, and waiters bringing drinks with umbrellas in them. It had been a few weeks now since the attack. His leg was almost healed and he could stumble around in a walking cast. As far as the mental wounds went, he was still having nightmares. Brett could hear Kenneth coming down the hall and quickly tried to put thoughts of Ashley out of his head.
"What's that guilty look on your face for?" Kenneth asked.
"What are you talking about?" Brett asked sheepishly.
Kenneth just scowled. Knowing where Brett's train of thought had been ever since he had seen down into cleaveland, it wasn't hard to guess what he was thinking about.
Play it cool man!
Too late, we're busted. Quick, do something! Distract him before he EATS us!
Okay, shut up and let me think!
That's your job! Hurry, he looks hungry!
Quickly trying to divert Kenneth's wrath, Brett stammered.
"So, uh, Kenneth? What's it like being a werewolf?"
Is that all you've got? To remind him that he's a WOLF who eats PEOPLE! We are screwed.
Kenneth saw through Brett's sudden interest in a change of topic but wasn't in the mood to fight.
"It's great." He said dryly. What a wanker. Kenneth thought
"So, uh... What do you, uh, eat?" Brett asked as sweat beaded on his forehead. Brett had been wanting to broach this topic ever since the attack and now it tumbled all out.
What was THAT!? Great! Just lead his thoughts right to it! We're dog chow, we're horse meat. Might as well have had my bubble bath today with barbecue sauce.
Then YOU try thinking for once! I wrote that awesome paper on Marco Polo for history class. I got us through that class! ME!
And now you pissed off a werewolf! Good job valedictorian.
Kenneth paused and got a far away look on his frowning face.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. We're dead.
"It's complicated." He hesitated. Brett was afraid of the answer and so he quickly went on. "How many of you guys are there?" Kenneth was visibly relieved.
"Well, we keep to ourselves mostly. We do have the weekly DWB meetings... I'm not sure why though. We don't do the whole "pack" thing, and we never really talk about anything, uh, werewolfy. Whydo we have meetings?" Kenneth asked the wall.
"DWB?" Brett asked, relieved.
Okay, okay, we're good. Whew. Thanks for nothing brain.
Piss off.
"Davis, Weber, and Boxelder county." Kenneth said.
"Ah."
"Yeah. There are probably a good 15 or 20 of us in the DWB."
A car honked wildly in the driveway.
"That's Ashley, she is gonna wear me out. See ya later. Call me if you need anything."
"Have fun, doing... whatever it is you're going to be doing."
Kenneth's eyebrows drew together.
Dammit!
"Rock climbing." Kenneth said flatly, clearly irritated.
"Can Ashley and I still go to High School Musical on ice?" Brett asked timidly.
"As long as she doesn't drag me to it. This is kind of nice, actually. I get the girlfriend with the benefits, and you get to do all the fruity gay stuff with her." Kenneth barked a brusque laugh.
"Huh-huh, yeah."
"Well, enjoy your Celine Dion concert tonight. Pay-per-view, right?"
"Yeah."
With that, Kenneth was out the door. Brett reached for his pain meds.
***
"My heart will go on and on." Celine belted from the fake prow of a ship on the stage.
"How did they get a whole ship on the stage?" Brett asked aloud to no one.
He was slumped down on the couch wearing only his walking cast and his tighty whiteys.
"This popcicle tastes like pink." Brett said as he gazed at the slobbery remote control in his hand.
"I like the gum drops the best. Chewy. Just like Candyland! "Why does my elbow smell like bacon? Brett asked the ceiling fan. Keys could be heard jingling in the door. Kenneth opened the door with Ashley right behind him.
"Hey Punkin!" Ashley purred at Brett. Kenneth rolled his eyes. "Whatcha watching?"
"Titanic." Brett smiled stupidly.
"No, that looks like the satellite menu channel." Ashley said.
"Yeah." Brett said with a grin.
"What sort of pain pills did they give him?" Ashley asked quietly, turning to Kenneth.
"They're just Loritab." Kenneth said with a confused frown.
Kenneth moved across the room to the couch where Brett was.
"Wow, that's a good look for you. How about we turn off the TV and go to bed?" Kenneth reached for the remote. "Aghk! Dude, what is on this thing? And where did the buttons go? Oh my hell."
Kenneth picked up Brett and carried him to his bed and not so carefully pulled up his covers.
"Bedtime sto-" Brett mumbled.
"NO! No story. Go to bed." Kenneth said with exasperation. Storming back into the living room, Kenneth said to Ashley,
"He gets like this every night. He always wants me to read him a story about Unicorns or something stupid."
Ashley moved to Kenneth, putting her hands into his back pockets.
"I think somebody's tired." She teased with a sly wink.
Kenneth scowled down at her. "Yeah, I'm tired of him. He's actually getting more annoying."
"He's a cute drunk, don't worry about it." Ashley raised up on her toes to kiss Kenneth lustily. Suddenly, she stopped and dropped back on to her heals with a confused look on her face.
"What smells like bacon?"
"Brett. Brett!" Kenneth said. "Wake up beef patty."
"What?" Brett said coming to consciousness.
"You were having that stupid dream again."
"Why do you always crush my hopes, you jerk?" Brett asked sleepily with a scowl scrunching up his face.
"Brett, you listen to Motley Crew. You listen to Alice in Chains. You don't even listen to the radio, how do you expect to be a record producer?"
"Look. I... You know what, I don't have to justify myself to you."
"Alright, I'm sorry okay? It's time for your antibiotics, are you hungry?"
"Yes." Brett said a little pouty.
"Do you want an omlet?"
Brett nodded sullenly, shooting out his bottom lip a little.
"With ham."
"I know buddy, I know." Geez, what a wiener. Kenneth thought.
Kenneth left the room to let Brett sulk.
Stupid Kenneth. Thinks he knows everything. He's just a glorified rock salesman.
Couldn't even hold down a job at Arby's. Brett's brain quipped.
Pshh. Yeah, not a "team player."
Don't listen to him. You ARE big time.
Yeah.
Brett tried to shrug off his bad mood and shift his thoughts to more important things. He had to figure out how to take down the Unifiers. He knew with Ben's weak minded pliability, the cult had him deep by now. Brett would have to infiltrate them from the top down. But how would he find the time?
How many days of vacation do I have left?
You and Ashley could go on vacation...
Mmm. Yeah, maybe Rome. Or just a nude beach... No, no! Stop distracting me. I need to think.
Brett's thoughts slowly slipped back to Ashley, beaches, and waiters bringing drinks with umbrellas in them. It had been a few weeks now since the attack. His leg was almost healed and he could stumble around in a walking cast. As far as the mental wounds went, he was still having nightmares. Brett could hear Kenneth coming down the hall and quickly tried to put thoughts of Ashley out of his head.
"What's that guilty look on your face for?" Kenneth asked.
"What are you talking about?" Brett asked sheepishly.
Kenneth just scowled. Knowing where Brett's train of thought had been ever since he had seen down into cleaveland, it wasn't hard to guess what he was thinking about.
Play it cool man!
Too late, we're busted. Quick, do something! Distract him before he EATS us!
Okay, shut up and let me think!
That's your job! Hurry, he looks hungry!
Quickly trying to divert Kenneth's wrath, Brett stammered.
"So, uh, Kenneth? What's it like being a werewolf?"
Is that all you've got? To remind him that he's a WOLF who eats PEOPLE! We are screwed.
Kenneth saw through Brett's sudden interest in a change of topic but wasn't in the mood to fight.
"It's great." He said dryly. What a wanker. Kenneth thought
"So, uh... What do you, uh, eat?" Brett asked as sweat beaded on his forehead. Brett had been wanting to broach this topic ever since the attack and now it tumbled all out.
What was THAT!? Great! Just lead his thoughts right to it! We're dog chow, we're horse meat. Might as well have had my bubble bath today with barbecue sauce.
Then YOU try thinking for once! I wrote that awesome paper on Marco Polo for history class. I got us through that class! ME!
And now you pissed off a werewolf! Good job valedictorian.
Kenneth paused and got a far away look on his frowning face.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. We're dead.
"It's complicated." He hesitated. Brett was afraid of the answer and so he quickly went on. "How many of you guys are there?" Kenneth was visibly relieved.
"Well, we keep to ourselves mostly. We do have the weekly DWB meetings... I'm not sure why though. We don't do the whole "pack" thing, and we never really talk about anything, uh, werewolfy. Whydo we have meetings?" Kenneth asked the wall.
"DWB?" Brett asked, relieved.
Okay, okay, we're good. Whew. Thanks for nothing brain.
Piss off.
"Davis, Weber, and Boxelder county." Kenneth said.
"Ah."
"Yeah. There are probably a good 15 or 20 of us in the DWB."
A car honked wildly in the driveway.
"That's Ashley, she is gonna wear me out. See ya later. Call me if you need anything."
"Have fun, doing... whatever it is you're going to be doing."
Kenneth's eyebrows drew together.
Dammit!
"Rock climbing." Kenneth said flatly, clearly irritated.
"Can Ashley and I still go to High School Musical on ice?" Brett asked timidly.
"As long as she doesn't drag me to it. This is kind of nice, actually. I get the girlfriend with the benefits, and you get to do all the fruity gay stuff with her." Kenneth barked a brusque laugh.
"Huh-huh, yeah."
"Well, enjoy your Celine Dion concert tonight. Pay-per-view, right?"
"Yeah."
With that, Kenneth was out the door. Brett reached for his pain meds.
***
"My heart will go on and on." Celine belted from the fake prow of a ship on the stage.
"How did they get a whole ship on the stage?" Brett asked aloud to no one.
He was slumped down on the couch wearing only his walking cast and his tighty whiteys.
"This popcicle tastes like pink." Brett said as he gazed at the slobbery remote control in his hand.
"I like the gum drops the best. Chewy. Just like Candyland! "Why does my elbow smell like bacon? Brett asked the ceiling fan. Keys could be heard jingling in the door. Kenneth opened the door with Ashley right behind him.
"Hey Punkin!" Ashley purred at Brett. Kenneth rolled his eyes. "Whatcha watching?"
"Titanic." Brett smiled stupidly.
"No, that looks like the satellite menu channel." Ashley said.
"Yeah." Brett said with a grin.
"What sort of pain pills did they give him?" Ashley asked quietly, turning to Kenneth.
"They're just Loritab." Kenneth said with a confused frown.
Kenneth moved across the room to the couch where Brett was.
"Wow, that's a good look for you. How about we turn off the TV and go to bed?" Kenneth reached for the remote. "Aghk! Dude, what is on this thing? And where did the buttons go? Oh my hell."
Kenneth picked up Brett and carried him to his bed and not so carefully pulled up his covers.
"Bedtime sto-" Brett mumbled.
"NO! No story. Go to bed." Kenneth said with exasperation. Storming back into the living room, Kenneth said to Ashley,
"He gets like this every night. He always wants me to read him a story about Unicorns or something stupid."
Ashley moved to Kenneth, putting her hands into his back pockets.
"I think somebody's tired." She teased with a sly wink.
Kenneth scowled down at her. "Yeah, I'm tired of him. He's actually getting more annoying."
"He's a cute drunk, don't worry about it." Ashley raised up on her toes to kiss Kenneth lustily. Suddenly, she stopped and dropped back on to her heals with a confused look on her face.
"What smells like bacon?"
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2008
"I'm money baby, I'm money" Kenneth heard Brett saying from his room. "Why is he always saying that?" Kenneth asked Ashley, They had been snuggled up on the couch for the better part of the evening watching Angel episodes.
"I think because he's money." She responded.
"And its just that type of thinking that just encourages him." Kenneth responded
"Well I think he's cute and if it makes him feel better then I think its a good idea." Ashley stated
A couple episodes of Angel later and they decided to call it quits. "Okbabe, My lips are getting chappy maybe you should head home?" Kenneth prompted
"Maybe your right, it is getting late and I have to work tomorrow." She replied stretching.
"Ok Honey, I'll see you tomorrow" Ashley pulled on her jacket andquietly slipped out the front door.
"Aaahh, did Ashley leave?" Brett asked limping down the hall.
"Yeah dude, you just missed her." Kenneth replied.
"Dammit! I was hoping to see her."
"See her what?" Kenneth asked a bit defensively
"Her beautiful smiling face obviously.... and her rocking body."
Brett had barely been able to have a conversation since he came home that didn't involve Ashley and it was starting to get on Kenneth's nerves.
"Well that's a bummer, maybe you should run out and... oh that's right, you were mauled by an evil werewolf and you cant.. dang the luck." Kenneth said ornerly.
"Ok sorry dude, don't take it so personally, I'd do anything to be the lady's man you are." Brett said hanging his head a bit lower now. "Even before you started dating Ash you were going on like.. thirteen or fourteen dates a year!"
"Well... uh... I really don't know what to say to that right now, other then you never will be of course.. I'm going to bed, we can talk about it in the morning." Kenneth said factually
Kenneth layed in bed restlessly, it had been ten or fifteen minutes since Brett had started snoring and Kenneth only had thing on his mind. "I'm hungry ok!" He admitted to himself in the mirror propped against his dresser. "I'm getting up.."
Leaving the house he headed up Farmington Canyon toward the lower campsites, no doubt there would be a few jerks getting drunk and causing a scene, basically ruining anyone else’s camping. Kenneth made it up the road in no time and was soon perched mid way up a hill with a view of two campsites below, both containing especially rowdy groups.
"On the one hand those guys over there are just being so freaking loud, I'm not even sure you can buy that music in stores, but then there's this guy over there and for hell sakes, is that? Oh my gosh it is, that's a mullet." Kenneth debated. "Its so hard trying to eat and help humanity at the same time.. I wonder how forgiving those lycansare?" Kenneth wondered out loud, "After all, they do have an opening" Kenneth chuckled at the idea of him being evil. "Oh that's rich."
He'd decided on Mullet and moved quickly but quietly down the hill.
"Hey Beer and stuff WOO HOOO" Mullet shouted at his partner in crime "Beer Bong"
"I know man, I know!" Beer Bong responded following suit.
....Oh wow and I thought the guy on the unicycle was bad, I think these guys take the cake....
Kenneth debated on whether to just wait till Beer Bongs back was turned to grab Mullet or if he should wait till they finally passed out and then play up the whole "wild animal attack." It was always a good laugh. In the end though he decided against waiting for these two to fall asleep, there was something a little homoerotic about the way Mullet kept complementing Beer Bong and he didn't want to witness anything he didn't want to. Its like Brett always said, "There are just some things you cant un see."
Just as he was ready to make his move an empty beer bottle came hurdeling in from somewhere in the neighboring camp site barley missing Beer Bongs head. "Hey man, whatn d hell?" Mullet shouted angrily.
"What's that?" Came a reply from the other campsite. "I couldn't hear you with all that hair getting in the way?"
"Oh its on, it's on now" Mullet shouted back enraged. "Hold me back Steve-o"
"Billy Ray Cyrus called, he wants his hair back" Shouted one of the guys from the other campsite, presumably the one who had thrown the bottle
Beer Bong, aka Steve-o was to busy throwing up and crying for his Momma to render any aid.
"Ok then, now this is happening." Screamed Mullet, then he was off, heading toward the neighboring campsite.
Kenneth struggled with the decision of whether or not to just wait it out and go home hungry.
.....would it be worth it to just come up here for a laugh every weekend or should I just eat this wipe....
In the end Kenneth decided he could always go to the fair grounds any day to see rednecks and followed the advise of his stomach. He darted quickly between the campsites, waiting till Mullet was in the dark space seporating the two campfire's light to attack. In the end Mullet turned at the last second at wet himself at the sight of the hungry werewolf rushing him. Kenneth was hungry but not that hungry and in the end changed course to avoid Mullet and his soggy pants.
....Well thats great... he thought, ... I guess I am going home
"I think because he's money." She responded.
"And its just that type of thinking that just encourages him." Kenneth responded
"Well I think he's cute and if it makes him feel better then I think its a good idea." Ashley stated
A couple episodes of Angel later and they decided to call it quits. "Okbabe, My lips are getting chappy maybe you should head home?" Kenneth prompted
"Maybe your right, it is getting late and I have to work tomorrow." She replied stretching.
"Ok Honey, I'll see you tomorrow" Ashley pulled on her jacket andquietly slipped out the front door.
"Aaahh, did Ashley leave?" Brett asked limping down the hall.
"Yeah dude, you just missed her." Kenneth replied.
"Dammit! I was hoping to see her."
"See her what?" Kenneth asked a bit defensively
"Her beautiful smiling face obviously.... and her rocking body."
Brett had barely been able to have a conversation since he came home that didn't involve Ashley and it was starting to get on Kenneth's nerves.
"Well that's a bummer, maybe you should run out and... oh that's right, you were mauled by an evil werewolf and you cant.. dang the luck." Kenneth said ornerly.
"Ok sorry dude, don't take it so personally, I'd do anything to be the lady's man you are." Brett said hanging his head a bit lower now. "Even before you started dating Ash you were going on like.. thirteen or fourteen dates a year!"
"Well... uh... I really don't know what to say to that right now, other then you never will be of course.. I'm going to bed, we can talk about it in the morning." Kenneth said factually
Kenneth layed in bed restlessly, it had been ten or fifteen minutes since Brett had started snoring and Kenneth only had thing on his mind. "I'm hungry ok!" He admitted to himself in the mirror propped against his dresser. "I'm getting up.."
Leaving the house he headed up Farmington Canyon toward the lower campsites, no doubt there would be a few jerks getting drunk and causing a scene, basically ruining anyone else’s camping. Kenneth made it up the road in no time and was soon perched mid way up a hill with a view of two campsites below, both containing especially rowdy groups.
"On the one hand those guys over there are just being so freaking loud, I'm not even sure you can buy that music in stores, but then there's this guy over there and for hell sakes, is that? Oh my gosh it is, that's a mullet." Kenneth debated. "Its so hard trying to eat and help humanity at the same time.. I wonder how forgiving those lycansare?" Kenneth wondered out loud, "After all, they do have an opening" Kenneth chuckled at the idea of him being evil. "Oh that's rich."
He'd decided on Mullet and moved quickly but quietly down the hill.
"Hey Beer and stuff WOO HOOO" Mullet shouted at his partner in crime "Beer Bong"
"I know man, I know!" Beer Bong responded following suit.
....Oh wow and I thought the guy on the unicycle was bad, I think these guys take the cake....
Kenneth debated on whether to just wait till Beer Bongs back was turned to grab Mullet or if he should wait till they finally passed out and then play up the whole "wild animal attack." It was always a good laugh. In the end though he decided against waiting for these two to fall asleep, there was something a little homoerotic about the way Mullet kept complementing Beer Bong and he didn't want to witness anything he didn't want to. Its like Brett always said, "There are just some things you cant un see."
Just as he was ready to make his move an empty beer bottle came hurdeling in from somewhere in the neighboring camp site barley missing Beer Bongs head. "Hey man, whatn d hell?" Mullet shouted angrily.
"What's that?" Came a reply from the other campsite. "I couldn't hear you with all that hair getting in the way?"
"Oh its on, it's on now" Mullet shouted back enraged. "Hold me back Steve-o"
"Billy Ray Cyrus called, he wants his hair back" Shouted one of the guys from the other campsite, presumably the one who had thrown the bottle
Beer Bong, aka Steve-o was to busy throwing up and crying for his Momma to render any aid.
"Ok then, now this is happening." Screamed Mullet, then he was off, heading toward the neighboring campsite.
Kenneth struggled with the decision of whether or not to just wait it out and go home hungry.
.....would it be worth it to just come up here for a laugh every weekend or should I just eat this wipe....
In the end Kenneth decided he could always go to the fair grounds any day to see rednecks and followed the advise of his stomach. He darted quickly between the campsites, waiting till Mullet was in the dark space seporating the two campfire's light to attack. In the end Mullet turned at the last second at wet himself at the sight of the hungry werewolf rushing him. Kenneth was hungry but not that hungry and in the end changed course to avoid Mullet and his soggy pants.
....Well thats great... he thought, ... I guess I am going home
MONDAY, JANUARY 5, 2009
"Brett, I have to tell you something. ... Brett?, Brett I'm trying to tell you something. hhhmm" Kenneth sighed.
"Brett turn off the TV I am trying to tell you something ok."
"Sorry dude, you know this is my show." Brett responded as disappointed as if he had to give up all his N SYNC Cd's.
"Brett, I almost ate a greasy eighty's mullet man thing." Kenneth admitted.
"Brett, BRETT!"
"Dude, what?, I'm sorry, You know this is my show. I thought I could listen to you and still watch so I just muted it. Ok sorry, pause, what’s up?" Brett Apologized.
"Dude, I just told you that I almost ate a greasy eighty's mullet man thing." Kenneth re-admitted, lacking the feeling that the first round shined with.
"Do you think if I changed my name to Rett, you know, dropped the B people would think I was a rugged cowboy?" Brett asked.
"DUDE!, what are you talking about? I'm freaking talking to you about something here!" Kenneth said anxiously.
"Ok ok, sorry. I don't know what you want from me, you said you ate a guys mullet or something. That's sick. Sick like nasty not like having a cold." Brett replied.
"I want you to talk to you so you can see how you are, does that make sense?" Kenneth asked with concern
"I'm sorry dude, I haven't had a coke in like two days and I have a head ache. Not to mention my leg is killing me ok and I just want to watch The Last Unicorn and I cant because your talking about some music Billy Ray Cyrus music video." Brett pleaded with Kenneth. "If you want to sing achy breaky heart and stuff while your in the shower then that's ok, ok, you don't know this about me but I sing in the shower sometimes."
Kenneth's eyes rolled.
"Brett, I want you to listen to me very carefully, where did they put your pain medication?" Kenneth prodded
"Dude, I cant take pain medication right now, I've already taken a ton. My face car wash things."
Kenneth gently helped Brett down the hall to his bedroom.
"Kenneth, Moo Shoo Japan Dragon Shower, Shin shee shin shee"
"I know Brett, I know, you just lay down and I'll see you in a few days when you come back to reality."
"Brett turn off the TV I am trying to tell you something ok."
"Sorry dude, you know this is my show." Brett responded as disappointed as if he had to give up all his N SYNC Cd's.
"Brett, I almost ate a greasy eighty's mullet man thing." Kenneth admitted.
"Brett, BRETT!"
"Dude, what?, I'm sorry, You know this is my show. I thought I could listen to you and still watch so I just muted it. Ok sorry, pause, what’s up?" Brett Apologized.
"Dude, I just told you that I almost ate a greasy eighty's mullet man thing." Kenneth re-admitted, lacking the feeling that the first round shined with.
"Do you think if I changed my name to Rett, you know, dropped the B people would think I was a rugged cowboy?" Brett asked.
"DUDE!, what are you talking about? I'm freaking talking to you about something here!" Kenneth said anxiously.
"Ok ok, sorry. I don't know what you want from me, you said you ate a guys mullet or something. That's sick. Sick like nasty not like having a cold." Brett replied.
"I want you to talk to you so you can see how you are, does that make sense?" Kenneth asked with concern
"I'm sorry dude, I haven't had a coke in like two days and I have a head ache. Not to mention my leg is killing me ok and I just want to watch The Last Unicorn and I cant because your talking about some music Billy Ray Cyrus music video." Brett pleaded with Kenneth. "If you want to sing achy breaky heart and stuff while your in the shower then that's ok, ok, you don't know this about me but I sing in the shower sometimes."
Kenneth's eyes rolled.
"Brett, I want you to listen to me very carefully, where did they put your pain medication?" Kenneth prodded
"Dude, I cant take pain medication right now, I've already taken a ton. My face car wash things."
Kenneth gently helped Brett down the hall to his bedroom.
"Kenneth, Moo Shoo Japan Dragon Shower, Shin shee shin shee"
"I know Brett, I know, you just lay down and I'll see you in a few days when you come back to reality."
FRIDAY, JANUARY 9, 2009
1887
"Shhh, they're outside again."
Pa cocked back the hammer on his newish Colt peacemaker.
"I'm scared Pa!" Squealed little Andy.
"Quiet boy!" Hissed Pa.
"Now listen, we won't stand for this any more. Them bully's from over the hill ain't taken our land and that's that, now listen, Andy, take Kenneth around back and get the rifles ready, you get them boys in your sights, you shoot just like I taught you." Pa instructed
Pa rushed out the door, gun still cocked, ready for action. Suddenly the old house was dark. Kenneth leaped and flew through the cramped quarters. Something caught his eye from the bathroom, in fact at first it was the bathroom that caught his eye. There was a bathroom inside. "We don't have indoor plumbing yet, this is 1887." Kenneth said out loud.
Kenneth's wooden leg itched.
Then he saw him, Douglas, Douglas was a wiener dog, a three legged wiener dog. ...No, wait.. he has four legs.. . there was a note safety pined to the dogs back that read, "three legged wiener dog." ...oh, that explains it... Kenneth thought.
"Ok somethings not right her." Kenneth stated floating mid air.
The bathtub started to overflow with ice cream.
Someone was shouting from outside, "Where's the rifles boys?!?" It was Pa. Kenneth scooped up Douglas the wiener dog and speed toward the back of the cabin. Little Andy was already shooting out though a broken window.
"Hurry Kenneth, Pa needs us!" Shouted Andy over the roar of gunfire.
Kenneth quickly swung the wiener dog out from under his arm. Gripping the dog's rear legs with his right hand and resting his left hand under the dogs chest he assumed a shooting position. Experience had tough him that he was a better shot from a crouched position then standing. The rest of what happened was much of a blur. There was a lot of shooting, Andy kept running out of ammunition and pausing to reload.
....why isn't he using a wiener dog... Kenneth wondered confused, ...what an idiot....
The dog barked and the unseen enemy fell one by one. Then he saw them, at first it was the eyes, those deep glowing eyes through the darkness. Then they were everywhere. Werewolves.
There was a crash as Brett flew threw the south wall of the cabin, nearly knocking Kenneth to the ground.
"Good!" Kenneth yelled. "You brought a wiener dog!"
"Whats that beeping?" Brett yelled frantically grasping for Kenneth's nipples with his free hand.
"What?" Kenneth responded panicking.
There was a loud thud and Kenneth's limp body hit the floor between his bed and the wall.
...I hurt inside.. mommy...... Kenneth had been warned against the danger of drinking to much Robitussin but he had never seen the ugly aftermath first hand till now. It was only twice the dose, its not like I drank the whole bottle.. why... why. Kenneth heard Brett stirring in the other bedroom. Oh thank goodness he's coming. Just as Kenneth thought Brett would be opening his bedroom door he realised Brett was headed for the bathroom rather then to his rescue.
"I'm money Bit.."
"Brett!" Kenneth interrupted just in time. "I though we agreed this was a PG house!?"
"Uh, don't you eat people? oh oh but only the "bad ones" right like people who like ride unicycles." Brett yelled back in a smug tone.
"You Bastard, you've been reading my diar.. journal!" Kenneth said with extreme frustration.
...That's it Jeppy, now get pissed to keep from crying...
"Brett, I need help, will you come in here.. uh.. I fell off the bed."
Brett walked in the door trying not to laugh. "Kenneth listen, I'm sorry you fell off the bed and all but... aren't you like the biggest baddest wolf thing in Davis county?" "Just get up."
Kenneth let out a deep breath. "I think I mean I need help not being a werewolf."
"Shhh, they're outside again."
Pa cocked back the hammer on his newish Colt peacemaker.
"I'm scared Pa!" Squealed little Andy.
"Quiet boy!" Hissed Pa.
"Now listen, we won't stand for this any more. Them bully's from over the hill ain't taken our land and that's that, now listen, Andy, take Kenneth around back and get the rifles ready, you get them boys in your sights, you shoot just like I taught you." Pa instructed
Pa rushed out the door, gun still cocked, ready for action. Suddenly the old house was dark. Kenneth leaped and flew through the cramped quarters. Something caught his eye from the bathroom, in fact at first it was the bathroom that caught his eye. There was a bathroom inside. "We don't have indoor plumbing yet, this is 1887." Kenneth said out loud.
Kenneth's wooden leg itched.
Then he saw him, Douglas, Douglas was a wiener dog, a three legged wiener dog. ...No, wait.. he has four legs.. . there was a note safety pined to the dogs back that read, "three legged wiener dog." ...oh, that explains it... Kenneth thought.
"Ok somethings not right her." Kenneth stated floating mid air.
The bathtub started to overflow with ice cream.
Someone was shouting from outside, "Where's the rifles boys?!?" It was Pa. Kenneth scooped up Douglas the wiener dog and speed toward the back of the cabin. Little Andy was already shooting out though a broken window.
"Hurry Kenneth, Pa needs us!" Shouted Andy over the roar of gunfire.
Kenneth quickly swung the wiener dog out from under his arm. Gripping the dog's rear legs with his right hand and resting his left hand under the dogs chest he assumed a shooting position. Experience had tough him that he was a better shot from a crouched position then standing. The rest of what happened was much of a blur. There was a lot of shooting, Andy kept running out of ammunition and pausing to reload.
....why isn't he using a wiener dog... Kenneth wondered confused, ...what an idiot....
The dog barked and the unseen enemy fell one by one. Then he saw them, at first it was the eyes, those deep glowing eyes through the darkness. Then they were everywhere. Werewolves.
There was a crash as Brett flew threw the south wall of the cabin, nearly knocking Kenneth to the ground.
"Good!" Kenneth yelled. "You brought a wiener dog!"
"Whats that beeping?" Brett yelled frantically grasping for Kenneth's nipples with his free hand.
"What?" Kenneth responded panicking.
There was a loud thud and Kenneth's limp body hit the floor between his bed and the wall.
...I hurt inside.. mommy...... Kenneth had been warned against the danger of drinking to much Robitussin but he had never seen the ugly aftermath first hand till now. It was only twice the dose, its not like I drank the whole bottle.. why... why. Kenneth heard Brett stirring in the other bedroom. Oh thank goodness he's coming. Just as Kenneth thought Brett would be opening his bedroom door he realised Brett was headed for the bathroom rather then to his rescue.
"I'm money Bit.."
"Brett!" Kenneth interrupted just in time. "I though we agreed this was a PG house!?"
"Uh, don't you eat people? oh oh but only the "bad ones" right like people who like ride unicycles." Brett yelled back in a smug tone.
"You Bastard, you've been reading my diar.. journal!" Kenneth said with extreme frustration.
...That's it Jeppy, now get pissed to keep from crying...
"Brett, I need help, will you come in here.. uh.. I fell off the bed."
Brett walked in the door trying not to laugh. "Kenneth listen, I'm sorry you fell off the bed and all but... aren't you like the biggest baddest wolf thing in Davis county?" "Just get up."
Kenneth let out a deep breath. "I think I mean I need help not being a werewolf."
TUESDAY, JANUARY 13, 2009
"Wicked is coming!" Brett yelled as he hobbled down the hall.
"My ex?" Kenneth shouted over the blender. He was making a chocolate-protein-powder-raw-egg-tuna-fish-with-ketchup shake.
"No, no, no." Brett said with annoyance. "Wicked witch of the west?"
"Oh. So my mother-in-law then."
"No! The musical about the Elphaba and Galinda!"
"I'm sorry Brett, I don't speak elvish."
Brett scowled. His nostrils flared and his eyes rolled back in his head a bit. "Ugh! What for the mercy of olfactory nerves is that smell?"
"Chocolate tuna. Duh. Protein galore, and the ketchup is for tang."
"You are wrong. Your brain is broken." He paused, "Wicked, It's a Broadway show, Kenneth, it's coming soon. Can I take Ashley?"
"Sure, knock yourself out." Kenneth took the blender and began chugging the concoction.
"Okay, cool. So... the tickets are like 80 bucks so I'll need you to pay for her ticket."
"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the blender, I thought you said I was a moron."
"She's you're girlfriend though!"
"Yeah, and I'm letting you take her out."
Brett scowled again and turned away muttering. Kenneth only caught a few words,
"Stupid Kenneth...kiss him...nasty tuna breath..."
Kenneth just shook his head and smiled. Chocolate tuna. This is horrible. The ketchup does nothing to kill the flavor. Still better than the orange cream salmon debacle of '07.
***
"Best vacation ever." Brett said as he pulled himself up to his desk. It was the first day back to work, and he was surprised at being so happy to be there. While he had enjoyed watching his favorite soap operas live instead of on TiVo, it was nice to be doing something productive again. Although, he was depressed that he wouldn't get to enjoy watching Seth find out that Megan is cheating on him at the same time as his online forum.
Oh well. These invoices are pretty cool too.
There was a huge stack of papers in his inbox.
I have an inbox.
Seriously,
an inbox?
Guess I better get the ol' type writer fired up and dash out a memo... in short-hand! Man, I'm funny.
Brett fired up his computer and saw the familiar DOS interface.
Close enough.
Brett was glad that his first day back was a Thursday, Ben's religious "holiday." He didn't want to have to admit that he hadn't watched Phenomenon yet. Brett felt rough hands on his shoulders.
"Hey there Whitbeck."
Brett's boss was attempting to give one of those manly, morale building, office back rubs.
"Oh, hey there boss." Brett said, feeling more uncomfortable by the second.
"You feeling up to a business trip?"
Brett spun around with feigned excitement, hoping it would cover the awkward break in the back rub.
"Oh boy, am I!"
Probably freaking Wyoming again.
"Well good, since you're the computer whiz around here, I want to send you to the corporate training conference in Vegas next week.
"That will be swell." Brett said, feeling slightly hopeful. After resting his gaze on Brett's walking cast for a moment, Brett's boss said,
"Bet that makes it tough to chase the ladies eh?"
Brett gave a fake "huh-huh" chuckle. "Sure does Steve."
"Call me Steve-o, Brett, we're all friends here."
Hmm. I thought he already had the midlife crisis 5 years ago when he bought the Miata and married "Bambi" with the 36 inch double D's and IQ to match.
"Sure thing, uh, Steve-o."
"Steve-o" sauntered away with a bounce in his step, whistling a tuneless melody. Brett watched him go.
He's having an affair.
Brett turned back to the soda ash and HCL that needed processing.
***
“I’m getting screened now Brett!”
“You’re what?”
“I’m getting screened, you know, for my soul clarity?”
Brett gave a blank look.
“Brett, did you even read the pamphlets I gave you?”
“Oh those." Brett said, nodding hurriedly. "I looked through them, but with all the meds, I’ve had a hard time concentrating.”
“Did you at least watch Phenomenon?”
“Oh yeah, I did, yep.”
“What was your favorite part?”
“Whew, well, like I said, I was pretty foggy with the drugs, so I don’t remember much.”
“Do you remember anything abou-“ Brett hurriedly cut off Ben in mid sentence.
“So the screening, tell me more about that.” Ben was easily distracted, this trait kept him from having any sustained train of thought for more than 20 seconds. The lack of critical thinking skills also made him especially vulnerable to brain washing. Ben’s eyes lit up.
“Well, It is a test that measures your electrical signature and that tells you if you have any negative clingers. It really helps with concentration, even impotence, I…”
Ben went on but Brett’s mind was as glazed over as his eyes.
“Clingers?” “Impotence?” This is getting out of control. If I stand here one more minute, he is going to lose use of a major limb.
Brett excused himself, claiming he had to change the dressing on his "scapluterial" wound.
Let him chew on that one! Man, I should be a fake doctor. I’ve got the lingo down!
Brett loitered in the bathroom long enough to be believable. As he poked his head out of the door, he was relieved to see the coast was clear. Ben must have gone out on another sales call. Brett fumbled back to his computer. He pulled up his web browser, which slowly loaded his home page featuring cats in darling positions and other animals with humorous misspelled captions. The pictures filled Brett’s soul with fuzzy ebullience.
Brett began his research for operation "Bruce Campbell." It's time to take those Unifier bastards down…
Oh, that walrus loves his bucket!
"My ex?" Kenneth shouted over the blender. He was making a chocolate-protein-powder-raw-egg-tuna-fish-with-ketchup shake.
"No, no, no." Brett said with annoyance. "Wicked witch of the west?"
"Oh. So my mother-in-law then."
"No! The musical about the Elphaba and Galinda!"
"I'm sorry Brett, I don't speak elvish."
Brett scowled. His nostrils flared and his eyes rolled back in his head a bit. "Ugh! What for the mercy of olfactory nerves is that smell?"
"Chocolate tuna. Duh. Protein galore, and the ketchup is for tang."
"You are wrong. Your brain is broken." He paused, "Wicked, It's a Broadway show, Kenneth, it's coming soon. Can I take Ashley?"
"Sure, knock yourself out." Kenneth took the blender and began chugging the concoction.
"Okay, cool. So... the tickets are like 80 bucks so I'll need you to pay for her ticket."
"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the blender, I thought you said I was a moron."
"She's you're girlfriend though!"
"Yeah, and I'm letting you take her out."
Brett scowled again and turned away muttering. Kenneth only caught a few words,
"Stupid Kenneth...kiss him...nasty tuna breath..."
Kenneth just shook his head and smiled. Chocolate tuna. This is horrible. The ketchup does nothing to kill the flavor. Still better than the orange cream salmon debacle of '07.
***
"Best vacation ever." Brett said as he pulled himself up to his desk. It was the first day back to work, and he was surprised at being so happy to be there. While he had enjoyed watching his favorite soap operas live instead of on TiVo, it was nice to be doing something productive again. Although, he was depressed that he wouldn't get to enjoy watching Seth find out that Megan is cheating on him at the same time as his online forum.
Oh well. These invoices are pretty cool too.
There was a huge stack of papers in his inbox.
I have an inbox.
Seriously,
an inbox?
Guess I better get the ol' type writer fired up and dash out a memo... in short-hand! Man, I'm funny.
Brett fired up his computer and saw the familiar DOS interface.
Close enough.
Brett was glad that his first day back was a Thursday, Ben's religious "holiday." He didn't want to have to admit that he hadn't watched Phenomenon yet. Brett felt rough hands on his shoulders.
"Hey there Whitbeck."
Brett's boss was attempting to give one of those manly, morale building, office back rubs.
"Oh, hey there boss." Brett said, feeling more uncomfortable by the second.
"You feeling up to a business trip?"
Brett spun around with feigned excitement, hoping it would cover the awkward break in the back rub.
"Oh boy, am I!"
Probably freaking Wyoming again.
"Well good, since you're the computer whiz around here, I want to send you to the corporate training conference in Vegas next week.
"That will be swell." Brett said, feeling slightly hopeful. After resting his gaze on Brett's walking cast for a moment, Brett's boss said,
"Bet that makes it tough to chase the ladies eh?"
Brett gave a fake "huh-huh" chuckle. "Sure does Steve."
"Call me Steve-o, Brett, we're all friends here."
Hmm. I thought he already had the midlife crisis 5 years ago when he bought the Miata and married "Bambi" with the 36 inch double D's and IQ to match.
"Sure thing, uh, Steve-o."
"Steve-o" sauntered away with a bounce in his step, whistling a tuneless melody. Brett watched him go.
He's having an affair.
Brett turned back to the soda ash and HCL that needed processing.
***
“I’m getting screened now Brett!”
“You’re what?”
“I’m getting screened, you know, for my soul clarity?”
Brett gave a blank look.
“Brett, did you even read the pamphlets I gave you?”
“Oh those." Brett said, nodding hurriedly. "I looked through them, but with all the meds, I’ve had a hard time concentrating.”
“Did you at least watch Phenomenon?”
“Oh yeah, I did, yep.”
“What was your favorite part?”
“Whew, well, like I said, I was pretty foggy with the drugs, so I don’t remember much.”
“Do you remember anything abou-“ Brett hurriedly cut off Ben in mid sentence.
“So the screening, tell me more about that.” Ben was easily distracted, this trait kept him from having any sustained train of thought for more than 20 seconds. The lack of critical thinking skills also made him especially vulnerable to brain washing. Ben’s eyes lit up.
“Well, It is a test that measures your electrical signature and that tells you if you have any negative clingers. It really helps with concentration, even impotence, I…”
Ben went on but Brett’s mind was as glazed over as his eyes.
“Clingers?” “Impotence?” This is getting out of control. If I stand here one more minute, he is going to lose use of a major limb.
Brett excused himself, claiming he had to change the dressing on his "scapluterial" wound.
Let him chew on that one! Man, I should be a fake doctor. I’ve got the lingo down!
Brett loitered in the bathroom long enough to be believable. As he poked his head out of the door, he was relieved to see the coast was clear. Ben must have gone out on another sales call. Brett fumbled back to his computer. He pulled up his web browser, which slowly loaded his home page featuring cats in darling positions and other animals with humorous misspelled captions. The pictures filled Brett’s soul with fuzzy ebullience.
Brett began his research for operation "Bruce Campbell." It's time to take those Unifier bastards down…
Oh, that walrus loves his bucket!
"Why don't we go for a drive?" Brett asked.
"I don't want to go for a drive, I'm ornery." Kenneth replied
"Do you want to go eat another unicycle mullet wearing hillbilly?
"OK OK, I'll get my keys.. Kenneth trailed off as he headed for his room
"Don't you want to take the Toyota?" Brett asked sarcastically
"Don't make me gag." Kenneth replied as he returned from his room down the hall.
Kenneth pulled out of the driveway and headed toward the main drag. The motor roared as he worked the gas.
"This is real freedom, isn't it?" Brett exclaimed as they cruised down Ogden's main drag.
"Uh... not exactly." Kenneth replied, his mind trailed off to when he was spending most his time in the mountains. That was real freedom. No rules, no having to account to anyone for his actions. Sleeping when he wanted to sleep, eating when he wanted to eat... then there was more sleeping. All in all it was the life he wished he could live forever. He honestly felt totally free. But he could not deny that he longed for life with people and though he wished he could spend all this time in the woods, it would never work.
"Kenneth!" Brett screamed and Kenneth swerved to avoid a car crossing perpendicular through the intersection.
"Dude, you've ran like three red lights. Pull over, let's stop at Maceys real quick.
"Why do you want to stop at Maceys?" Kenneth questioned.
"Uh.. habit, we used to work there and it rocked." Brett answered.
"Actually, it didn't." Kenneth replied snidely.
"Fine dude, whatever let me go to the candy isle and get a delicious Idaho spud candy treat."
"You are verging on unicycle right now." Kenneth warned
"Hey super, bag the spud idea. Back to the car!" Brett replied full of forced enthusiasm.
Pulling back onto the main drag Kenneth decided a more rural drive was in order and headed for Ogden canyon. It took Brett all the way to the very last turn toward the canyon before he realized they weren't "dragging main", as Brett put it. Mostly because he was going on and on. When he got this way he had a tendency to black out from the real world.
"Dude, where are we going?" Brett asked confused.
"Uh... oh ok.. oh.. wait, I get it. Hot, up the canyon chicks and things right!" Brett was starting to sound excited at the prospect. "Dude, I have to say, since I found out that you Werewolves are real I've been dreaming about a hot she werewolf." Brett admitted a little embarrassed. "That's where we're going tonight isn't it!"
"I know.. I've seen the history on your computer." Kenneth replied. "The only thing I cant figure out is from looking at the list... it must have taken you hours of searching to find out there are no.. how did you put it? "she werewolf's naked parts... I promise you right now we aren't meeting any "hot she wolves" tonight."
"yeah... I know.. it was a Saturday and uh.. well. I was board.. and a little... well, you know." Brett was sounding more and more sheepish.
Brett didn't say much as they headed through the canyon, much toKenneth's delight,
You shouldn't be so hard on him, he thought to himself.
How can I not be, and why is he always acting so gay?
Kenneth's mind trailed off to a memory of going rock climbing with Brett. He had been dangling Brett over a ledge to unhook a rope they were using when he sat on a cactus and dropped Brett about 15 feet onto a ledge. The ledge stopped him from falling the additional 50 feet and there for had most likely saved his life but he did hit his head pretty hard..
"Well, that explains it." Kenneth said out loud
"Dude, I'm sorry ok! I was just curious and I turned to the Internet! Let it go already."
"What?" Kenneth replied.. "Oh.. uh, yeah.. needs."
They continued through the canyon and moved east past the lake toward the mountains. The road curved north as it made a loop around the far side of the lake, Kenneth was planning on following the road all the way around and back through the canyon when suddenly he caught a foul scent on the air.
Brett's forehead slammed suddenly against the hard dash of the old Galaxy.
"Fetch dude, that fetching hurt like fetch!" Brett growled in an angry tone. Kenneth had to try hard to keep a straight face.
"Well Fetch dude, fetching fetch fetch ya'll biskethead." Was the only reply Kenneth could muster. He mashed down on the gas and made a sharp right, heading east toward the monastery.
"Wow wow wow dude, you know Indians give me the willeys,, its late and I don't even like honey.. why are we going this way?!?" Brett said with definite concern.
"Monks aren't Indians you idiot." Kenneth stated calmly. "And from the smell there might not be any left."
"Well hey shoot, we may as well just get the heck out of here thenhu... hu.." Brett stammered.
"Climb in the back and pull down the middle section of the seat, you should be able to reach into the trunk." Kenneth instructed, still calm. Brett did as instructed and quickly found what Kenneth was obviously looking for, a cool black Remington 12 gage with a pistol grip and short barrel.
"Get the ammo from the glove box." Brett was hesitating "get back up here and load that thing."
"Oh fetch man.. oooohhh fetch" Brett was starting to fetch out.
"BRETT! Quit being such a gay and get up here, we're almost there and you'd rather be saf... well kind of safe then sorry right!" Kenneth spoke with a sense of urgency that Brett had heard before.
"Ok dude but what is this thing going to do if its werewolves?!" Brett asked.
"Oh this isn't werewolves Brett... its much worse!, Mutant tree lizards!!"
"Real funny dude," Brett said pulling the shotgun shells out of the glove box.
"I packed those shells myself, the ammunition is pure silver, depending on what kind of shot you are it may not kill a werewolf but it will sting bad enough he'll be heading for the hills.. hopefully." Kenneth said quietly. He had turned the lights off and was now coasting slowly toward the monastery.
"Listen, you've been stuck home playing Rainbow 6 for a month ok, this won't be any different.. Actually this will be different, they won't have guns. They will however have super strength and lightning quick reflexes so I hope you're not feeling too lethargic from not getting that spud at Maceys."
"Can I just say one thing?" Brett interrupted.
"Whats that?"
"Is his supposed to be a pep talk? If it is, its sucking ok."
Why is his kid whining so much... what a freaking baby
The car stopped silently about fifty yards from the monastery and Kenneth slid out, motioning for Brett to follow. It was a warm night and the moon was full. How stereotypical Kenneth thought to himself. Whatever happened to originality!
"Now listen, the only reason your with me is because by now they've probably already smelled you and it'd be useless to just give you the keys and have you "try" to escape. Just stay calm and you'll be fine. Remember, they're obviously evil so don't feel too bad killing them ok? I'll go in first, give me about thirty seconds and then come in. That things not a semi automatic so don't forget the action."
"Which part is that?" Brett asked pointing to the stock.
"You'd better be fetching kidding me or you have no chance at all" Kenneth slipped into the monastery before Brett could respond.
Brett was suddenly all alone in the dark. There was no sound, he could hear movement in the grass outside of the monastery, most likely deer or something right.... right... Brett thought trying to convince himself that his arms weren't going to be ripped out of their sockets tonight. Suddenly he heard the ripping of pants and a fake leather jacket from inside and he knew it had begun.
"All right Witty, time to be a man, Just think of this as practice for those damn Unifiers"
With a deep breath Brett kicked the door to the monastery open and forced himself inside.
to be continued..
"I don't want to go for a drive, I'm ornery." Kenneth replied
"Do you want to go eat another unicycle mullet wearing hillbilly?
"OK OK, I'll get my keys.. Kenneth trailed off as he headed for his room
"Don't you want to take the Toyota?" Brett asked sarcastically
"Don't make me gag." Kenneth replied as he returned from his room down the hall.
Kenneth pulled out of the driveway and headed toward the main drag. The motor roared as he worked the gas.
"This is real freedom, isn't it?" Brett exclaimed as they cruised down Ogden's main drag.
"Uh... not exactly." Kenneth replied, his mind trailed off to when he was spending most his time in the mountains. That was real freedom. No rules, no having to account to anyone for his actions. Sleeping when he wanted to sleep, eating when he wanted to eat... then there was more sleeping. All in all it was the life he wished he could live forever. He honestly felt totally free. But he could not deny that he longed for life with people and though he wished he could spend all this time in the woods, it would never work.
"Kenneth!" Brett screamed and Kenneth swerved to avoid a car crossing perpendicular through the intersection.
"Dude, you've ran like three red lights. Pull over, let's stop at Maceys real quick.
"Why do you want to stop at Maceys?" Kenneth questioned.
"Uh.. habit, we used to work there and it rocked." Brett answered.
"Actually, it didn't." Kenneth replied snidely.
"Fine dude, whatever let me go to the candy isle and get a delicious Idaho spud candy treat."
"You are verging on unicycle right now." Kenneth warned
"Hey super, bag the spud idea. Back to the car!" Brett replied full of forced enthusiasm.
Pulling back onto the main drag Kenneth decided a more rural drive was in order and headed for Ogden canyon. It took Brett all the way to the very last turn toward the canyon before he realized they weren't "dragging main", as Brett put it. Mostly because he was going on and on. When he got this way he had a tendency to black out from the real world.
"Dude, where are we going?" Brett asked confused.
"Uh... oh ok.. oh.. wait, I get it. Hot, up the canyon chicks and things right!" Brett was starting to sound excited at the prospect. "Dude, I have to say, since I found out that you Werewolves are real I've been dreaming about a hot she werewolf." Brett admitted a little embarrassed. "That's where we're going tonight isn't it!"
"I know.. I've seen the history on your computer." Kenneth replied. "The only thing I cant figure out is from looking at the list... it must have taken you hours of searching to find out there are no.. how did you put it? "she werewolf's naked parts... I promise you right now we aren't meeting any "hot she wolves" tonight."
"yeah... I know.. it was a Saturday and uh.. well. I was board.. and a little... well, you know." Brett was sounding more and more sheepish.
Brett didn't say much as they headed through the canyon, much toKenneth's delight,
You shouldn't be so hard on him, he thought to himself.
How can I not be, and why is he always acting so gay?
Kenneth's mind trailed off to a memory of going rock climbing with Brett. He had been dangling Brett over a ledge to unhook a rope they were using when he sat on a cactus and dropped Brett about 15 feet onto a ledge. The ledge stopped him from falling the additional 50 feet and there for had most likely saved his life but he did hit his head pretty hard..
"Well, that explains it." Kenneth said out loud
"Dude, I'm sorry ok! I was just curious and I turned to the Internet! Let it go already."
"What?" Kenneth replied.. "Oh.. uh, yeah.. needs."
They continued through the canyon and moved east past the lake toward the mountains. The road curved north as it made a loop around the far side of the lake, Kenneth was planning on following the road all the way around and back through the canyon when suddenly he caught a foul scent on the air.
Brett's forehead slammed suddenly against the hard dash of the old Galaxy.
"Fetch dude, that fetching hurt like fetch!" Brett growled in an angry tone. Kenneth had to try hard to keep a straight face.
"Well Fetch dude, fetching fetch fetch ya'll biskethead." Was the only reply Kenneth could muster. He mashed down on the gas and made a sharp right, heading east toward the monastery.
"Wow wow wow dude, you know Indians give me the willeys,, its late and I don't even like honey.. why are we going this way?!?" Brett said with definite concern.
"Monks aren't Indians you idiot." Kenneth stated calmly. "And from the smell there might not be any left."
"Well hey shoot, we may as well just get the heck out of here thenhu... hu.." Brett stammered.
"Climb in the back and pull down the middle section of the seat, you should be able to reach into the trunk." Kenneth instructed, still calm. Brett did as instructed and quickly found what Kenneth was obviously looking for, a cool black Remington 12 gage with a pistol grip and short barrel.
"Get the ammo from the glove box." Brett was hesitating "get back up here and load that thing."
"Oh fetch man.. oooohhh fetch" Brett was starting to fetch out.
"BRETT! Quit being such a gay and get up here, we're almost there and you'd rather be saf... well kind of safe then sorry right!" Kenneth spoke with a sense of urgency that Brett had heard before.
"Ok dude but what is this thing going to do if its werewolves?!" Brett asked.
"Oh this isn't werewolves Brett... its much worse!, Mutant tree lizards!!"
"Real funny dude," Brett said pulling the shotgun shells out of the glove box.
"I packed those shells myself, the ammunition is pure silver, depending on what kind of shot you are it may not kill a werewolf but it will sting bad enough he'll be heading for the hills.. hopefully." Kenneth said quietly. He had turned the lights off and was now coasting slowly toward the monastery.
"Listen, you've been stuck home playing Rainbow 6 for a month ok, this won't be any different.. Actually this will be different, they won't have guns. They will however have super strength and lightning quick reflexes so I hope you're not feeling too lethargic from not getting that spud at Maceys."
"Can I just say one thing?" Brett interrupted.
"Whats that?"
"Is his supposed to be a pep talk? If it is, its sucking ok."
Why is his kid whining so much... what a freaking baby
The car stopped silently about fifty yards from the monastery and Kenneth slid out, motioning for Brett to follow. It was a warm night and the moon was full. How stereotypical Kenneth thought to himself. Whatever happened to originality!
"Now listen, the only reason your with me is because by now they've probably already smelled you and it'd be useless to just give you the keys and have you "try" to escape. Just stay calm and you'll be fine. Remember, they're obviously evil so don't feel too bad killing them ok? I'll go in first, give me about thirty seconds and then come in. That things not a semi automatic so don't forget the action."
"Which part is that?" Brett asked pointing to the stock.
"You'd better be fetching kidding me or you have no chance at all" Kenneth slipped into the monastery before Brett could respond.
Brett was suddenly all alone in the dark. There was no sound, he could hear movement in the grass outside of the monastery, most likely deer or something right.... right... Brett thought trying to convince himself that his arms weren't going to be ripped out of their sockets tonight. Suddenly he heard the ripping of pants and a fake leather jacket from inside and he knew it had begun.
"All right Witty, time to be a man, Just think of this as practice for those damn Unifiers"
With a deep breath Brett kicked the door to the monastery open and forced himself inside.
to be continued..
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2009
It was quiet as Kenneth slipped into the Monastery. There was an electricity in the air as Kenneth searched the broken interior of the building.
"Come out come out where ever you are." He whispered into the darkness.
There was a minimal amount of light shining through a hole in the roof as he entered the main hall of the Monastery. There was a pile of wooden debris on the eastern side of the room where part of the roof had collapsed taking some of the underlying structure with it. Kenneth scanned the room looking for the source of the thick honey/blood smell that had invaded his nostrils.
"Joining the feast?"
Kenneth spun around to find the voice. There was a large figure emerging from the shadow behind the debris in the corner of the Monastery, presumably the last werewolf left from the earlier slaughter.
"Yeah," Kenneth responded, "It looks like I'm a little late, your friends must have all taken doggy bags."
YES! I've been waiting forever to use that joke!
"Yeah well, what can I say.. we don't get to feed like this very often. They bring there own condiments." Chuckled the dark stranger.
"Monk honey and jam isn't exactly my cup of tea" Kenneth replied with obviously fake friendliness.
"No?" Replied the adversary, his face turning red with contempt.
Kenneth approached the figure slowly. He felt almost embarrassed as his pants and jacket tore during the transformation.
"Aaaaahhhhhhh" Brett screamed at a shrill pitch. He had burst through the door and was flailing his shotgun through the air, sometimes at Kenneth, sometimes his opponent. There was some confusion as the stranger rushed toward Brett, obviously not detoured by his firearm. Kenneth meet him just before he struck Brett, tucking his head and shoulder he forced the full amount of his weight into the other wolf's ribs. There was a brief cry and the air was forced from his enemy's lungs. There was a brief struggle and they were both quickly on their feet. Moving quickly Kenneth slipped past the still struggling figure and then striking from behind rapped his hands around his neck and drove his knee swiftly into his opponents back.
Brett was still screaming as Kenneth fought the attacker. Somewhere in the confusion shoots where fired and the attacker was struck twice, once in the chest and once again on the back side of his right thigh. There was a deafening howl and the wounded attacker disappeared into the night.
"Night Hunter!" Brett yelled, trying to locate his friend. "Night Hunter where are you?" His pulse raced as a thousand ideas flashed through his mind of what might have become of his friend.
"Kenneth! He shouted again as he located him laying face down in the shadows of the crumbling building. "Dude, didn't you hear me yelling for you!" He was almost crying at this point.
"Uh, I heard some idiot screaming, "Night Hunter Night Hunter, where are you" Was that you? because if it was, I think I'll clean this up myself.. Nice shot by the way" Kenneth pulled aside the torn shards of his pleather jacket to reveal what looked like the worst road rash Brett could imagine. "I guess you got a little wiley with that second shot.. I may need you to drive home.
Brett helped Kenneth into the back seat of the Galaxy and gunned the car toward the main road.. "Better head up toward Monte Cristo" Kenneth directed from his position in the back seat. He winced as he dug the sliver from his side.
"Here put them in this." Brett offered as he handed Kenneth the ash tray from the front seat.
They drove silently, apart from the wincing at they approached the campsites at the top of the pass. Kenneth was the first to break the silence. "Why were you calling me Night Warrior?"
"I wasn't! I was calling you Night Hunter."
"mm yeah, ok.. Why were you calling me whatever it was you were calling me?"
"I thought it was cool ok, I guess I was caught up in the moment a little.. I had a gun, I felt a little invincible I guess."
"I thought it sounded gay, what was your name going to be? Boy wonder?"
"That's it!" Brett shrieked as he cranked the wheel and spun into the campground. "Why are you being such a dick?"
"Uh, yeah lets see, you shot me!" Kenneth replied still a little angry "turn the motor off, we're probably better off sleeping here tonight.
"Come out come out where ever you are." He whispered into the darkness.
There was a minimal amount of light shining through a hole in the roof as he entered the main hall of the Monastery. There was a pile of wooden debris on the eastern side of the room where part of the roof had collapsed taking some of the underlying structure with it. Kenneth scanned the room looking for the source of the thick honey/blood smell that had invaded his nostrils.
"Joining the feast?"
Kenneth spun around to find the voice. There was a large figure emerging from the shadow behind the debris in the corner of the Monastery, presumably the last werewolf left from the earlier slaughter.
"Yeah," Kenneth responded, "It looks like I'm a little late, your friends must have all taken doggy bags."
YES! I've been waiting forever to use that joke!
"Yeah well, what can I say.. we don't get to feed like this very often. They bring there own condiments." Chuckled the dark stranger.
"Monk honey and jam isn't exactly my cup of tea" Kenneth replied with obviously fake friendliness.
"No?" Replied the adversary, his face turning red with contempt.
Kenneth approached the figure slowly. He felt almost embarrassed as his pants and jacket tore during the transformation.
"Aaaaahhhhhhh" Brett screamed at a shrill pitch. He had burst through the door and was flailing his shotgun through the air, sometimes at Kenneth, sometimes his opponent. There was some confusion as the stranger rushed toward Brett, obviously not detoured by his firearm. Kenneth meet him just before he struck Brett, tucking his head and shoulder he forced the full amount of his weight into the other wolf's ribs. There was a brief cry and the air was forced from his enemy's lungs. There was a brief struggle and they were both quickly on their feet. Moving quickly Kenneth slipped past the still struggling figure and then striking from behind rapped his hands around his neck and drove his knee swiftly into his opponents back.
Brett was still screaming as Kenneth fought the attacker. Somewhere in the confusion shoots where fired and the attacker was struck twice, once in the chest and once again on the back side of his right thigh. There was a deafening howl and the wounded attacker disappeared into the night.
"Night Hunter!" Brett yelled, trying to locate his friend. "Night Hunter where are you?" His pulse raced as a thousand ideas flashed through his mind of what might have become of his friend.
"Kenneth! He shouted again as he located him laying face down in the shadows of the crumbling building. "Dude, didn't you hear me yelling for you!" He was almost crying at this point.
"Uh, I heard some idiot screaming, "Night Hunter Night Hunter, where are you" Was that you? because if it was, I think I'll clean this up myself.. Nice shot by the way" Kenneth pulled aside the torn shards of his pleather jacket to reveal what looked like the worst road rash Brett could imagine. "I guess you got a little wiley with that second shot.. I may need you to drive home.
Brett helped Kenneth into the back seat of the Galaxy and gunned the car toward the main road.. "Better head up toward Monte Cristo" Kenneth directed from his position in the back seat. He winced as he dug the sliver from his side.
"Here put them in this." Brett offered as he handed Kenneth the ash tray from the front seat.
They drove silently, apart from the wincing at they approached the campsites at the top of the pass. Kenneth was the first to break the silence. "Why were you calling me Night Warrior?"
"I wasn't! I was calling you Night Hunter."
"mm yeah, ok.. Why were you calling me whatever it was you were calling me?"
"I thought it was cool ok, I guess I was caught up in the moment a little.. I had a gun, I felt a little invincible I guess."
"I thought it sounded gay, what was your name going to be? Boy wonder?"
"That's it!" Brett shrieked as he cranked the wheel and spun into the campground. "Why are you being such a dick?"
"Uh, yeah lets see, you shot me!" Kenneth replied still a little angry "turn the motor off, we're probably better off sleeping here tonight.
2/06/09
The Ninth Part
"Ha ha! Oh lady fate, you are a saucy minx!" Brett exclaimed with glee. He was sitting on the couch with the laptop on, ironically, his lap, doing research on the IUU. It was good that Kenneth wasn't home, or he probably would have made some kind of sarcastic comment. Brett was feeling extra sensitive lately. Nearly getting eaten by werewolves has that tendency. Every aspect of life to Brett now was a little more clear, a little more real.
"Ben's gonna love this."
In all actuality, Ben was NOT going to love it. While researching the Unifiers, Brett had made the discovery that they were headquartered in Las Vegas. And as luck would have it, the IUU was having their yearly leadership training meeting in the Stardust Casino.
"Stardust! Oh, this is too perfect! Oh the delicious irony. "
It just so happened that Brett's computer training in Vegas would coincide closely enough that Brett could attend. No doubt, the important muckity mucks would all be in attendance. Brett's brush with death had raised some eschatological questions he was intent on answering,
"What is my purpose here on earth?"
"What matters the most in life?"
But these were not the questions that drove him in his purpose. Above all else, Brett was a pragmatist. And more than anything, Brett hated stupid people He questioned at times his choice to work for Brennfaug considering the idiots per capita were much higher there than in other professions.
He, like Buddah, knew that life is suffering. He also knew that it is possible to reduce suffering. And so, realizing that he was content in his career, and that no matter where he went, he would still deal with stupidity in its various level of sophistication, Brett set about to bloom where he was planted so to speak. But Brett's path to enlightenment was no middle way. Whatever it took to relieve the constant annoyance of morons around him, he would do. Being gregarious as he was, and not seeing daunting challenges as clearly as most, his decision to take on a multi-national religious business enterprise might have been seen as naive by more rational people. But Brett went about, oblivious as it were, to the monumental task at hand, with quiet persistence, all in an attempt to make his life a little less annoying. The reward far outweighed the risk and work involved. If this was all it took to make Ben act normal and turn to more useful, or more accurately, less annoying pursuits, perhaps coin collecting, then it was all well worth it. If he could avoid one more conversation about the movie Phenomenon, he would be happy. The effort involved meant little to him if only he could remove one more grain of sand out from under his proverbial contact lens.
This search for inner peace was not a conscious process for Brett. It usually involved outward means, such as removing external threats to his copacetic ideal. Yoga had been tried once years ago. Brett’s girl friend was an instructor at the gym.
"Brett, don't you have yoga tonight?" Kenneth asked.
"Meh."
"What do you mean 'meh'? Isn't Lindsay expecting you?"
"She'll be fine. The head is not a load bearing appendage.
"Well, that's a shame, you looked so good in a leotard."
"Kenneth, do you really want to go down the leotard road with me?"
"Okay, I'm sorry, forget it."
Brett began to hum the theme from Swan Lake. Kenneth shuddered.
"Stop! I said sorry okay!?" Kenneth stormed out of the room. "I'll never forgive my mom."
Brett was content to just be Brett, he didn't need much else, and anything that rocked the boat was a threat.
Brett could hear Kenneth's keys jingling in the lock. Brett hurriedly changed the channel from the food network and turned off the TV.
"Hey Kenneth, guess what I founnnn-doh! Uh, hi Ashley." Ashley bounced into the room with that mischievous twinkle in her eye that never seemed to dim.
"Hey Brett, whatcha doin?" Ashley plopped on to the couch next to Brett and flipped on the TV before Brett could clear the smell of her perfume from his head. The TV flickered to life.
"Oh wow, Brett, Bravo huh?"
"I uh, what? Oh, I think Kenneth was watching America's Next Top Model."
"Yeah, I doubt it. So what's the IUU?" She asked, looking at Brett's laptop.
"Oh boy, some looney toones cult that Ben is caught up in. I am gonna crash their leadership convention and expose them."
"Oh wow. That sounds dangerous."
"Nah, as long as I don't drink the Kool-aid, I'll be fine."
"Ben's gonna love this."
In all actuality, Ben was NOT going to love it. While researching the Unifiers, Brett had made the discovery that they were headquartered in Las Vegas. And as luck would have it, the IUU was having their yearly leadership training meeting in the Stardust Casino.
"Stardust! Oh, this is too perfect! Oh the delicious irony. "
It just so happened that Brett's computer training in Vegas would coincide closely enough that Brett could attend. No doubt, the important muckity mucks would all be in attendance. Brett's brush with death had raised some eschatological questions he was intent on answering,
"What is my purpose here on earth?"
"What matters the most in life?"
But these were not the questions that drove him in his purpose. Above all else, Brett was a pragmatist. And more than anything, Brett hated stupid people He questioned at times his choice to work for Brennfaug considering the idiots per capita were much higher there than in other professions.
He, like Buddah, knew that life is suffering. He also knew that it is possible to reduce suffering. And so, realizing that he was content in his career, and that no matter where he went, he would still deal with stupidity in its various level of sophistication, Brett set about to bloom where he was planted so to speak. But Brett's path to enlightenment was no middle way. Whatever it took to relieve the constant annoyance of morons around him, he would do. Being gregarious as he was, and not seeing daunting challenges as clearly as most, his decision to take on a multi-national religious business enterprise might have been seen as naive by more rational people. But Brett went about, oblivious as it were, to the monumental task at hand, with quiet persistence, all in an attempt to make his life a little less annoying. The reward far outweighed the risk and work involved. If this was all it took to make Ben act normal and turn to more useful, or more accurately, less annoying pursuits, perhaps coin collecting, then it was all well worth it. If he could avoid one more conversation about the movie Phenomenon, he would be happy. The effort involved meant little to him if only he could remove one more grain of sand out from under his proverbial contact lens.
This search for inner peace was not a conscious process for Brett. It usually involved outward means, such as removing external threats to his copacetic ideal. Yoga had been tried once years ago. Brett’s girl friend was an instructor at the gym.
"Brett, don't you have yoga tonight?" Kenneth asked.
"Meh."
"What do you mean 'meh'? Isn't Lindsay expecting you?"
"She'll be fine. The head is not a load bearing appendage.
"Well, that's a shame, you looked so good in a leotard."
"Kenneth, do you really want to go down the leotard road with me?"
"Okay, I'm sorry, forget it."
Brett began to hum the theme from Swan Lake. Kenneth shuddered.
"Stop! I said sorry okay!?" Kenneth stormed out of the room. "I'll never forgive my mom."
Brett was content to just be Brett, he didn't need much else, and anything that rocked the boat was a threat.
Brett could hear Kenneth's keys jingling in the lock. Brett hurriedly changed the channel from the food network and turned off the TV.
"Hey Kenneth, guess what I founnnn-doh! Uh, hi Ashley." Ashley bounced into the room with that mischievous twinkle in her eye that never seemed to dim.
"Hey Brett, whatcha doin?" Ashley plopped on to the couch next to Brett and flipped on the TV before Brett could clear the smell of her perfume from his head. The TV flickered to life.
"Oh wow, Brett, Bravo huh?"
"I uh, what? Oh, I think Kenneth was watching America's Next Top Model."
"Yeah, I doubt it. So what's the IUU?" She asked, looking at Brett's laptop.
"Oh boy, some looney toones cult that Ben is caught up in. I am gonna crash their leadership convention and expose them."
"Oh wow. That sounds dangerous."
"Nah, as long as I don't drink the Kool-aid, I'll be fine."
SUNDAY, APRIL 19, 2009
Brett shook the flashlight hoping to get a little more light out of the old thing.
"BRETT!" Kenneth hissed, "Turn that damn thing off! I don't know how, but those guys out there are dumb to the fact that this is our car, they're probably just playing with us and if they weren't and they didn't see us, they most likely have now."
"WELL, I'm sorry Kenneth, I'm a little freaked out ok!"
"Oh poor baby, listen, something happened and now it’s over, we won okay, stop being such a pu.."
"Hey! Brett interrupted, I'm sorry ok. I've never stormed a monastery, gun in hand and shot a werewolf ok!"
"Don't you mean two werewolves?" Kenneth smirked sarcastically. Outside the car a pack of werewolves were lurking their way through the campground.
"Listen, they're heading south. We'll give them a minute and then backtrack toward Ogden, they won't even see us."
Brett stayed pretty quiet as they cruised through canyon toward. What is wrong with this jerk? Kenneth wondered to himself, Here I've taken him out and probably given him the wildest night of his life... well other than that time the power was out and Ashley came over and he pretended to be me for about 10 min till the lights came back on. Oh sure she says she didn't know....
"You're a dick." Brett grumbled under his breath.
Wow what? Uhh, can you hear what I'm thinking?? BRETT!! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!
"Well that's a fine how do you do!" Kenneth piped back. "Here I've taken you out for a great time and that's how you repay me!"
"Oh yeah, some swell time, we were supposed to cruise the ‘vard and we ended up fighting monsters with a taste for monk meat." Brett replied shortly.
"Oh yeah, monsters... that’s good, is that what I am? A Monster?" Kenneth said, anger and hurt flashing in his eyes.
Brett turned away and stared straight ahead at the paint lines rushing into existence under the dim yellow headlights. Kenneth’s knuckles tightened on the wheel as his teeth clenched together. Kenneth had faced his existence as werewolf on the day he became one. He had come to closure and acceptance of it. He figured that there was nothing he could do about it. After he read about Zen Buddhism on Wikipedia, he realized he might as well embrace what he was. At the time it had happened, Kenneth had never really thought much about who he was or who he wanted to be. He had always been content just to be. As long as he was free do to as he wished, he was happy. This was clear from his early childhood, as his mother liked to tell to every girl he ever brought home. Every poor and unsuspecting date had to listen to the account of the time as a five year old when Kenneth had run away from home because he didn’t want to clean his room. Showing more tenacity than most adults, he had stayed away all day. And when night came, he slept in his tree house on the splintered wooden planks without as much as a blanket. His dad had been watching him and decided to let him stay there for the night. He had only agreed to come home the next day because of the gnawing hunger pains. He and his parents had come to the very democratic agreement that he would keep his room clean in exchange for food. Thinking this to be a good trade, and knowing that the choice was his to make, Kenneth happily agreed. Kenneth had always followed his heart to do whatever he wanted to do at the time. This had caused a good deal of problems. When in the middle of a boring math lesson in elementary school, he would excuse himself and head towards the old wooden big toy on the playground. His teachers really had no recourse. He was always so polite as he left, and had such a sense of purpose, that they were powerless to stop him. The one time his fourth grade teacher had tried to physically restrain him, had ended with a bite wound and Kenneth shooting down the hall as if the building was on fire. The talk with the principle had been uncomfortable for Kenneth’s parents as he stubbornly gave Mrs. Kunkcle the silent treatment. They knew pushing him would do no good. Eventually they had had to come to another diplomatic arrangement. Kenneth would be allowed to excuse himself to the playground as his whims directed, but he would have to keep his grades up. So long as he had his free will, he was content to do, or not do.
It annoyed Brett to no end when Kenneth failed to show up for his 12th birthday party at Chuck E. Cheeses because he hadn’t been in “the mood.” Brett suspected that the mood had to do with Kenneth’s brand new Nintendo. But when it was really and truly important, Kenneth was there for his friends. Kenneth’s life flowed along with his laid back attitude. He didn’t care so much about what he was doing as long as he wanted to do it. So when the change came, it really didn’t cause him an existential quandary. He still had his hobbies, his job, and his life really. This was one of those acts of God. So he accepted that, he knew it would do no good to be angry at what couldn’t change. If he decided to be fine with something, even something terrible, he was fine, because HE had decided. So it was that he had an uncommon amount of grace as he faced his transformation. Many of the new werewolves lacked the disposition to come face to face with what they were. Few made it through the first six months without trying to take their own life. And fewer were unsuccessful in the attempt.
So while Kenneth was obstinate and stubborn if he was pushed, this was different. This was something he could not change. But he could control it.
It rankled Kenneth that Brett thought he was a monster. You don’t “get better” from being a werewolf. You don’t turn it on or off. You just are what you are. And part of being a werewolf was eating people. This really didn’t bother him. He didn’t like humanity all that much anyway. And it was nice to know that he could eat the jerks who go drive too slow in the fast lane, or any of the another annoying people in the world who pissed him off. Kenneth had never been religious. His parents were both agnostic and hadn’t raised him with any real traditional values to speak of. So he figured if there was a God, he had made him this way. And if there wasn’t, then it really didn’t matter one way or another. The silence in the car was far past uncomfortable. How long had Brett thought of Kenneth as a monster? He didn’t seem to have problem with it when they were casing the local Wal-Mart to get Kenneth a white trash snack.
“Ooh! Kenneth! Look! Mullet, Crocs, Dale Earnhardt t-shirt, and two twenty-four packs of Mountain Dew. Plus that guy has to be like 400 pounds. The only one who’ll miss him is the home shopping network.”
“Dude, that’s a chick.”
“Oough. I’m gonna be sick. You should definitely eat it.”
“You can’t even look and you want me to put it in my mouth!? Thanks.”
“They all taste the same, don’t they?”
“More or less. But that lady’s got to be 50/50 Cheetos and Swanson TV dinners. Bad aftertaste.”
The long drive down the canyon seemed to drag on and on, the endless curves causing them to lean uncomfortably in their seats. The only noise in the car was the rain pelting against the windshield. Neither of them had ever felt this way before. For the first time they were uneasy with each other. Brett was not afraid of Kenneth nor did Kenneth want to do anything bad to Brett. But for the first time since Brett found out about Kenneth's true identity, Kenneth was starting to feel a bit judged.
Brett sat unnaturally still with his eyes glazed over. His mind kept playing back what happened in the monastery. He couldn’t stop himself from seeing the bloody contorted bodies strewn all over the floor. The monk’s frozen faces were staring blankly back at him, lit only by the dim moonlight every time he closed his eyes. Every puddle on the road was a pool of blood. Kenneth had been so terrifying in his wolf form. Brett had only caught a glimpse of Kenneth’s hulking mass ripping another werewolf in half before he had closed his eyes and started shooting wildly. The sight of it had made Brett lose bladder control. He was just glad that there wasn’t much in there to lose. He was anxious to get home and shower and try to get his mind off the horrific scenes. Brett fought off a wave of nausea that threatened to ruin the interior of Kenneth’s Galaxie.
Gratefully, they were nearly home. Brett spotted Ashley’s mustang as they pulled into the driveway. Despite the roiling emotions inside, he could not deny the little thrill it gave him to know that she was there. Thinking that Kenneth must be thinking the same thing, he made special effort to be even more stoic. He got out of the car and slammed the door before it was even in park and strode off to the house without looking back. Kenneth killed the engine and sat unmoving for a long moment. He took a deep breath and got out of the car. Truly he was happy Ashley was there to take his mind off of the all around kill-joy attitude that Brett had been emitting since their killer battle with the other werewolves. But Ashley could be too much sometimes.
How did Brett not enjoy that? Kenneth wondered to himself as he walked in the house.
"BRETT!" Kenneth hissed, "Turn that damn thing off! I don't know how, but those guys out there are dumb to the fact that this is our car, they're probably just playing with us and if they weren't and they didn't see us, they most likely have now."
"WELL, I'm sorry Kenneth, I'm a little freaked out ok!"
"Oh poor baby, listen, something happened and now it’s over, we won okay, stop being such a pu.."
"Hey! Brett interrupted, I'm sorry ok. I've never stormed a monastery, gun in hand and shot a werewolf ok!"
"Don't you mean two werewolves?" Kenneth smirked sarcastically. Outside the car a pack of werewolves were lurking their way through the campground.
"Listen, they're heading south. We'll give them a minute and then backtrack toward Ogden, they won't even see us."
Brett stayed pretty quiet as they cruised through canyon toward. What is wrong with this jerk? Kenneth wondered to himself, Here I've taken him out and probably given him the wildest night of his life... well other than that time the power was out and Ashley came over and he pretended to be me for about 10 min till the lights came back on. Oh sure she says she didn't know....
"You're a dick." Brett grumbled under his breath.
Wow what? Uhh, can you hear what I'm thinking?? BRETT!! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!
"Well that's a fine how do you do!" Kenneth piped back. "Here I've taken you out for a great time and that's how you repay me!"
"Oh yeah, some swell time, we were supposed to cruise the ‘vard and we ended up fighting monsters with a taste for monk meat." Brett replied shortly.
"Oh yeah, monsters... that’s good, is that what I am? A Monster?" Kenneth said, anger and hurt flashing in his eyes.
Brett turned away and stared straight ahead at the paint lines rushing into existence under the dim yellow headlights. Kenneth’s knuckles tightened on the wheel as his teeth clenched together. Kenneth had faced his existence as werewolf on the day he became one. He had come to closure and acceptance of it. He figured that there was nothing he could do about it. After he read about Zen Buddhism on Wikipedia, he realized he might as well embrace what he was. At the time it had happened, Kenneth had never really thought much about who he was or who he wanted to be. He had always been content just to be. As long as he was free do to as he wished, he was happy. This was clear from his early childhood, as his mother liked to tell to every girl he ever brought home. Every poor and unsuspecting date had to listen to the account of the time as a five year old when Kenneth had run away from home because he didn’t want to clean his room. Showing more tenacity than most adults, he had stayed away all day. And when night came, he slept in his tree house on the splintered wooden planks without as much as a blanket. His dad had been watching him and decided to let him stay there for the night. He had only agreed to come home the next day because of the gnawing hunger pains. He and his parents had come to the very democratic agreement that he would keep his room clean in exchange for food. Thinking this to be a good trade, and knowing that the choice was his to make, Kenneth happily agreed. Kenneth had always followed his heart to do whatever he wanted to do at the time. This had caused a good deal of problems. When in the middle of a boring math lesson in elementary school, he would excuse himself and head towards the old wooden big toy on the playground. His teachers really had no recourse. He was always so polite as he left, and had such a sense of purpose, that they were powerless to stop him. The one time his fourth grade teacher had tried to physically restrain him, had ended with a bite wound and Kenneth shooting down the hall as if the building was on fire. The talk with the principle had been uncomfortable for Kenneth’s parents as he stubbornly gave Mrs. Kunkcle the silent treatment. They knew pushing him would do no good. Eventually they had had to come to another diplomatic arrangement. Kenneth would be allowed to excuse himself to the playground as his whims directed, but he would have to keep his grades up. So long as he had his free will, he was content to do, or not do.
It annoyed Brett to no end when Kenneth failed to show up for his 12th birthday party at Chuck E. Cheeses because he hadn’t been in “the mood.” Brett suspected that the mood had to do with Kenneth’s brand new Nintendo. But when it was really and truly important, Kenneth was there for his friends. Kenneth’s life flowed along with his laid back attitude. He didn’t care so much about what he was doing as long as he wanted to do it. So when the change came, it really didn’t cause him an existential quandary. He still had his hobbies, his job, and his life really. This was one of those acts of God. So he accepted that, he knew it would do no good to be angry at what couldn’t change. If he decided to be fine with something, even something terrible, he was fine, because HE had decided. So it was that he had an uncommon amount of grace as he faced his transformation. Many of the new werewolves lacked the disposition to come face to face with what they were. Few made it through the first six months without trying to take their own life. And fewer were unsuccessful in the attempt.
So while Kenneth was obstinate and stubborn if he was pushed, this was different. This was something he could not change. But he could control it.
It rankled Kenneth that Brett thought he was a monster. You don’t “get better” from being a werewolf. You don’t turn it on or off. You just are what you are. And part of being a werewolf was eating people. This really didn’t bother him. He didn’t like humanity all that much anyway. And it was nice to know that he could eat the jerks who go drive too slow in the fast lane, or any of the another annoying people in the world who pissed him off. Kenneth had never been religious. His parents were both agnostic and hadn’t raised him with any real traditional values to speak of. So he figured if there was a God, he had made him this way. And if there wasn’t, then it really didn’t matter one way or another. The silence in the car was far past uncomfortable. How long had Brett thought of Kenneth as a monster? He didn’t seem to have problem with it when they were casing the local Wal-Mart to get Kenneth a white trash snack.
“Ooh! Kenneth! Look! Mullet, Crocs, Dale Earnhardt t-shirt, and two twenty-four packs of Mountain Dew. Plus that guy has to be like 400 pounds. The only one who’ll miss him is the home shopping network.”
“Dude, that’s a chick.”
“Oough. I’m gonna be sick. You should definitely eat it.”
“You can’t even look and you want me to put it in my mouth!? Thanks.”
“They all taste the same, don’t they?”
“More or less. But that lady’s got to be 50/50 Cheetos and Swanson TV dinners. Bad aftertaste.”
The long drive down the canyon seemed to drag on and on, the endless curves causing them to lean uncomfortably in their seats. The only noise in the car was the rain pelting against the windshield. Neither of them had ever felt this way before. For the first time they were uneasy with each other. Brett was not afraid of Kenneth nor did Kenneth want to do anything bad to Brett. But for the first time since Brett found out about Kenneth's true identity, Kenneth was starting to feel a bit judged.
Brett sat unnaturally still with his eyes glazed over. His mind kept playing back what happened in the monastery. He couldn’t stop himself from seeing the bloody contorted bodies strewn all over the floor. The monk’s frozen faces were staring blankly back at him, lit only by the dim moonlight every time he closed his eyes. Every puddle on the road was a pool of blood. Kenneth had been so terrifying in his wolf form. Brett had only caught a glimpse of Kenneth’s hulking mass ripping another werewolf in half before he had closed his eyes and started shooting wildly. The sight of it had made Brett lose bladder control. He was just glad that there wasn’t much in there to lose. He was anxious to get home and shower and try to get his mind off the horrific scenes. Brett fought off a wave of nausea that threatened to ruin the interior of Kenneth’s Galaxie.
Gratefully, they were nearly home. Brett spotted Ashley’s mustang as they pulled into the driveway. Despite the roiling emotions inside, he could not deny the little thrill it gave him to know that she was there. Thinking that Kenneth must be thinking the same thing, he made special effort to be even more stoic. He got out of the car and slammed the door before it was even in park and strode off to the house without looking back. Kenneth killed the engine and sat unmoving for a long moment. He took a deep breath and got out of the car. Truly he was happy Ashley was there to take his mind off of the all around kill-joy attitude that Brett had been emitting since their killer battle with the other werewolves. But Ashley could be too much sometimes.
How did Brett not enjoy that? Kenneth wondered to himself as he walked in the house.
***
It was at least three when Brett woke up at hearing Kenneth's door close. He didn't open his eyes and tried to keep all the evenings events from coming back into his head.
"You awake honey?"
Brett shot up nearly falling between the bed and the wall as he tried to escape the voice. Now that he was awake he realized the voice was Ashley’s.
"What are you doing in here?" He asked shocked.
"Brett, she said softly, I need to talk to you, alone."
"Uh, ok... well what’s up?" He replied
"Not now, Kenneth is right next door and these walls are paper thin, just keep me in mind and we'll find some time."
Brett nodded off as Ashley slipped out of room; he heard the door to Kenneth's room open and close just before he fell asleep. His dreams of in the early morning were dark and violent. The battle of monks and werewolves stretched on and on. The slaughter never let up.
***
Kenneth sat up slowly and climbed silently over his sleeping girlfriend.
Aahhhh she's so cute, he thought to himself.
Her upper lip was pulled upward to its limit under the weight of her head and she was drooling all over the extra pillow that Kenneth always kept in his bed, her hair waved wildly over the rest of the pillow.
Well, let’s see, 7:30 I think I'll go grab some steaks.
Kenneth plopped down in the driver seat of the Galaxie to find the lever for the headlights pulled all the way out.
"Balls!" he said out loud with a sigh as he turned the key to no reaction.
Well, drive the Prius or Walk?...
Kenneth turned the corner cutting from the Sidewalk through a park strip and across the street to the other side, I needed a nice walk anyway. Kenneth had decided he would try not transforming for a while; sure he could have made it to the store in minutes if he'd gone in werewolf form and kept to the fields behind the neighborhood where no one would see him. But after last night he didn’t feel like relying on his alter-ego so much.
Aahhhh she's so cute, he thought to himself.
Her upper lip was pulled upward to its limit under the weight of her head and she was drooling all over the extra pillow that Kenneth always kept in his bed, her hair waved wildly over the rest of the pillow.
Well, let’s see, 7:30 I think I'll go grab some steaks.
Kenneth plopped down in the driver seat of the Galaxie to find the lever for the headlights pulled all the way out.
"Balls!" he said out loud with a sigh as he turned the key to no reaction.
Well, drive the Prius or Walk?...
Kenneth turned the corner cutting from the Sidewalk through a park strip and across the street to the other side, I needed a nice walk anyway. Kenneth had decided he would try not transforming for a while; sure he could have made it to the store in minutes if he'd gone in werewolf form and kept to the fields behind the neighborhood where no one would see him. But after last night he didn’t feel like relying on his alter-ego so much.
***
Brett peeled open his eyes to see that it was almost ten. The cold sweat his dreams had caused brought him to bleak awareness.
Great, so much for making anything of the day, he thought to himself.
Brett thought that if he wasn't out of bed by eight the day was a waste. He hurried into the bathroom to take a shower and start the day.
"Hey Babe!" Ashley greeted him as she slid into the shower behind him.
"Uh!" Brett screamed. He shot a quick glance over his shoulder before his head snapped back to allow him to hyperventilate easier. He was unable to access the part of his brain where real words were stored.
Act natural Whity! His brain screamed. This is a dream come true don't blow it!!
"Oh wow oh wow ok ok sooo hot, dream coming true."
"You are just so cute aren't you?" Ashely giggled, "Wow your more muscley then I thought you'd be, have you been working out?"
"What? Yeah, Uh, I guess.. wow, uh. You’re.. actually your exactly what I imagined, um, why are you here?"
Brett’s death grip on the soap was leaving finger marks on the bar.
“Remember how I said I needed to talk to you alone? I needed a shower, so I figured two birds with one stone.”
“Uhh. Okay. Sooo... what did you want to talk about?" He asked.
"Well, it’s Kenneth,” Ashley started "Do you want me to get your back?"
Before Brett could say anything she reached over Brett's shoulder to grab the bottle of body wash. For a moment her body pressed against Brett's.
Brett froze, gurgling "Oh something’s happening!" before he dove through the shower curtain, pulling it and the shower rod down with him. Brett scrambled up to a crouch as he frantically reached for the door and did a commando roll across the hall into his room. Ashley stuck her head out of the bathroom door.
“Okay, we’ll talk later then.”
Great, so much for making anything of the day, he thought to himself.
Brett thought that if he wasn't out of bed by eight the day was a waste. He hurried into the bathroom to take a shower and start the day.
"Hey Babe!" Ashley greeted him as she slid into the shower behind him.
"Uh!" Brett screamed. He shot a quick glance over his shoulder before his head snapped back to allow him to hyperventilate easier. He was unable to access the part of his brain where real words were stored.
Act natural Whity! His brain screamed. This is a dream come true don't blow it!!
"Oh wow oh wow ok ok sooo hot, dream coming true."
"You are just so cute aren't you?" Ashely giggled, "Wow your more muscley then I thought you'd be, have you been working out?"
"What? Yeah, Uh, I guess.. wow, uh. You’re.. actually your exactly what I imagined, um, why are you here?"
Brett’s death grip on the soap was leaving finger marks on the bar.
“Remember how I said I needed to talk to you alone? I needed a shower, so I figured two birds with one stone.”
“Uhh. Okay. Sooo... what did you want to talk about?" He asked.
"Well, it’s Kenneth,” Ashley started "Do you want me to get your back?"
Before Brett could say anything she reached over Brett's shoulder to grab the bottle of body wash. For a moment her body pressed against Brett's.
Brett froze, gurgling "Oh something’s happening!" before he dove through the shower curtain, pulling it and the shower rod down with him. Brett scrambled up to a crouch as he frantically reached for the door and did a commando roll across the hall into his room. Ashley stuck her head out of the bathroom door.
“Okay, we’ll talk later then.”
***
Kenneth wandered down the refrigerated isle subtly checking out his calves in the reflection. His cart slammed the back of a man who instantly spun around outraged,
"Hey!” he near screamed, eyes glowing with rage.
"Hey Ted!" Kenneth shouted grinning ear to ear. Kenneth had meet Ted a few years back at one of his DWB meetings just after Ted had been turned. His name wasn't actually Ted, that was something Kenneth called people when he couldn't remember or didn't care to remember people’s names. Since he has been calling Ted “Ted” ever since the beginning it didn't come across odd to him.
"Hey Rob!" Ted responded. Kenneth wasn't sure if he was remembering him as someone else or if he knew who he was, just didn't know his name.
That my thing dick, it’s called originality, go try to find some.
“Yeah right right, it’s actually Jake," Kenneth responded, turning the table on old Ted, "you old dog you."
"So, what are you doing here?" Ted asked.
"Oh just grabbing some meat for a barbecue." Kenneth replied honestly.
"Nice!" I gotcha shooter, I saw some fresh "meat" down on the cereal aisle." Ted replied with a wink.
Yep, saw that one coming. If this guy was any more of a jock he'd still be wearing his football pants from his semi pro arena league…
"Hey do you like my uniform?" Ted continued, "Yeah, I'm in a semi pro league."
"No kidding huh?" Kenneth replied feigning enthusiasm. "WELL, ITS BEEN FUN!" Kenneth said as he turned abruptly and walked away from Mr. MVP. He checked out as quickly as possible and headed toward home.
"Hey!” he near screamed, eyes glowing with rage.
"Hey Ted!" Kenneth shouted grinning ear to ear. Kenneth had meet Ted a few years back at one of his DWB meetings just after Ted had been turned. His name wasn't actually Ted, that was something Kenneth called people when he couldn't remember or didn't care to remember people’s names. Since he has been calling Ted “Ted” ever since the beginning it didn't come across odd to him.
"Hey Rob!" Ted responded. Kenneth wasn't sure if he was remembering him as someone else or if he knew who he was, just didn't know his name.
That my thing dick, it’s called originality, go try to find some.
“Yeah right right, it’s actually Jake," Kenneth responded, turning the table on old Ted, "you old dog you."
"So, what are you doing here?" Ted asked.
"Oh just grabbing some meat for a barbecue." Kenneth replied honestly.
"Nice!" I gotcha shooter, I saw some fresh "meat" down on the cereal aisle." Ted replied with a wink.
Yep, saw that one coming. If this guy was any more of a jock he'd still be wearing his football pants from his semi pro arena league…
"Hey do you like my uniform?" Ted continued, "Yeah, I'm in a semi pro league."
"No kidding huh?" Kenneth replied feigning enthusiasm. "WELL, ITS BEEN FUN!" Kenneth said as he turned abruptly and walked away from Mr. MVP. He checked out as quickly as possible and headed toward home.
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